I apologize for my slowness and almost absence on this blog for the past week. It was partially due to some other things going on in my life, and partially due to the fact that I sort of lost my place in my story (due to responses to readers, emotional breakdowns, and guest entries), and wasn’t quite sure where to pick up and keep going. So, now that I have some free time, I want to share a little more with you about how I left
Africa, and about some of the goodbyes that I never got the chance to give…
I was a PCV in Congo 95-96. I ET'd due to numerous reasons. The two biggest reasons I left were having a knife held to my throat by a local and realizing that no one was going to step in because he was a relative of Chief of the Village (I managed escape that one physically unharmed) and being so isolated with no way to communicate that when I did get Malaria- There was no way to get out of my village or contact anyone for help for 4 days (nearest other PCV was 4-5 hrs away). It was pure chance that a logging truck company bigwig was in the area scouting for new areas to log and he took me back to another PCV's house (4 hr drive away). It was there that I managed to get a flight to the capitol for treatment. When it was time to go back to post is was just as hard logistically to get there as it was to leave. Several other things happened when I got back. I decided I wasn't sure how much more I could take and so I ET'd. I wish more than anything that I had had the chance to tell my friends in Congo why I left. After returning home- I got a few letters from friends (other PCV’s and embassy folks I had met). They told me that at the IST, there was no mention why I wasn’t there- just that I had left. I had no way to say goodbye to them. There didn’t seem to be any interest on the part of PC Congo to let volunteers share with other PCV’s what we were going through or to seek support. When I finally got home, I felt a lot of what you mentioned- reverse culture shock, shame (guess I wasn’t “strong enough” to be a PCV…) embarrassment (guess that was a big waste of time and money to get over there if I only stayed for a year) and loneliness. Apparently my medical records had been lost and it took several months to get PC to admit they didn’t know what happened to the COS medical exam. (They did find most of it but my HIV test was missing). I had to go get re-tested. In 1996- there was a lot more stigma around requesting a HIV test. Not once did PC apologize or offer assistance to help me navigate the post country medical maze. Thankfully I was negative but I was alone and scared while waiting for the results. I guess the point to all of this is after reading your story about the support you have gotten from PC, the openness of PC to allow you to share your story with other volunteers (your letter) and the way you have been tended to, makes me have hope that PC has changed. Thank you for being willing to tell your story- it could be any PCV in your shoes, but I bet not all of them are as strong as you are to share.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your continued honesty and openness, Jess. It is an inspiration to all who read your blog. My heart is heavy with yours, and it's true that time heals pain. Know that I can relate to what you write about not being able to say goodbye. Sometimes it seems like a blessing--to not have to explain yourself 100 times over--and other times it's a huge burden that you'll never be able to communicate to some people what they meant to you. Keep on keepin' on, friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. Your candor is inspirational and as a RPCV I think it is essential to share both the positive and difficulties of service. I hope that your story will both educate and resonate with current and returned PCVs. Again, thank you, I will continue to follow your story and support you from afar.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through other PCV friends and sat down and read the whole thing. I was very moved by your story, because one of my closest friends in PC went through a similar situation, discovering they were positive after thinking they had been doing everything right, and it was such a devastating shock and wake-up call. Most PCVs I know have found themselves in situations, whether they be transport, relationship, or other, in which afterwords they thank god or their lucky stars that they made it through ok, because that's all it was, good fortune to escape cold hard reality one more time. I know personally how hard it is to always do everything right, and how easy it is to make decisions you might not make under other circumstances because of stress, loneliness, etc. And I know I have been very lucky, but that's all it is, dumb luck.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know you, but I feel so proud of what you're doing by sharing your life like this, and I hope that both your message and your strength and positive attitude spread to others around the world. You are exhibiting what I consider ideals (although unfortunately not always the reality) of Peace Corps: Compassion, Intelligence, and Bravery. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.
~a fellow RPCV~
Jessica, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm currently serving as Health Education PCV in Tanzania and your blog was shared by our staff in a email last week. Everyone is talking about it, how real and honest it is. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you opening up and educating all of us who have and will experience similar situation.
ReplyDeletekeep writing and know how much of an impact your story is having on all of us. thanks again.
Jessica, Your courage and candor are beyond admirable. A few years ago, as a PCV in West Africa, I had a very similar experience to you with the Zambian guy – similar in terms of being emotionally vulnerable, similar in terms of being responsible, getting him tested, “low risk” activities, a first casual encounter (and only one previous relationship in the US), but the condom broke and I then discovered he had lied about getting tested. I freaked out but some combination of denial, shame, and self-punishment prevented me from going to the PCMO to get the post-exposure treatment. I worried every day for a good six months about my chances of being positive. I tested negative again and again, every three months for a year, and am so lucky that one uncharacteristic mistake didn’t leave any physical trace. That’s all it was – luck. Your story resonates with me and I’m sure with hundreds and hundreds of other PCVs and RPCVs. You aren’t alone at all. Having spent many sleepless nights contemplating being in your position, I know I couldn’t do what you are doing. Your honesty and openness takes a special kind of strength. I am sure that this blog and your story will raise awareness, inform and protect people, and make a very big difference. My very best wishes. Good job!
ReplyDeleteJessica. I want to tell you that although I do not know you, I support you 100% and want to thank you for being so courageous as to share your story. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I recently completed my PC service in Paraguay, and while there also had a relationship with a Paraguayan. I agree with you - as human beings we do look for comfort and intimate contact with others, and this does not change just because you enter the Peace Corps or live in a different country. People are people. Thank you for being so open and brave. I also went through HIV/AIDS training but had no real concept that the virus could be so easily passed through oral sex or mutual masturbation. Now I am more educated, thanks to you.
ReplyDeleteMy best regards to you and your family, and please know that you have the support from so many people around the country and the world. We love you, and we are with you.
You knew that adultery was a sin before you got into a relationship with that Paraguayan man. And why would God accept the prayers of an adulterer?
DeleteIf God were to refuse the prayers of adulterers, and all other sinners, who would he have to listen to?
DeleteJason...let me educate you by explaining in order to commit adultery you must first be married. I think your ignorant mind is trying to refer to premarital sex. Lucky for you, God is the ONLY one who can judge us. Lucky for me, I believe in karma and can sleep easy knowing you will receive everything you deserve for such an unnecessary and untruthful comment!
DeleteJessica,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your willingness to share your story with the world wide web. Your courage and resilience are truly admirable. I'm sure that through this reality check you have provided us all, you will assist many others from being infected.
As an RPCV from Tanzania i can relate to many of the things you shared, which made me wonder...your story, although inspiring due to its undesirable outcome, is very common. PCVs go through a very transforming process that sometimes causes them to act in ways that are not typical. Sex is a part of nature, and even when equipped with all the education in the world, sometimes we fail to use the better judgment. I sometimes thought that my brain must have gone through a temporary state of insanity during my service. As some other commentators said, many of us had some form of unprotected sexual activity at some point in our lives. Do you have any thoughts of what sort of support PCVs need to be able to make more well-informed decisions during service? How can we make sure contracting HIV during service is not just a matter of 'luck'?
You've already managed to turn an unwanted outcome into something positive, which is pretty amazing.
I'm looking forward to reading more.
~Meital.
Jessica, my heart breaks for you. I have been out of PC for 30 years, and did last the 2 years. But still 30 years later, I still feel "it wasn't enough". I regret a lot of the things, like you, I didn't do. But still I am so grateful for the opportunity and so grateful I was able to last the 2 years. I will keep you in my prayers including praying that you can reenter PC, if not Zambia, another country. Take care and thanks again for your strength and for your sharing.
ReplyDeleteI was a PCVL in Zambia & had the unfortunate task of collecting and packing the items for a couple PCVs who were med-sep'ed. I'm sure your PCVL did everything they could to inform your village that it wasn't the village's fault you left and to give them your letter. I was sad to pack up those PCV's belongings and see them gone, but I was grateful that at least the village could hear the PCV's message passed on through me. Also, it takes a long time to get the go-ahead for packing up and shipping it, and all the red tape, but hopefully you'll get your stuff soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad that you didn't get to finish your time in Zambia (it is such a dear place in my heart), but I can see you're doing really great work now through the blog. And hopefully once you're stabilized, you can go back to PC if you want to.
Hey Jess! It's B. I must say that I'm very happy to be reading your blog right now. Your entries will educate, inspire, and give hope to so many people. Anyways, when Peace Corps says they will "ship" your belongings, it really means "ship, on a super slow boat, that takes months." We tried our hardest to include your Zambia memorabilia, and Heather added a few chitenges for you. We also tried our hardest to take photos for you. School wasn't in session when we went but we snapped some photos of the school and head teachers. We delivered the letters but if there's anything you want sent to your community, they will be getting a replacement volunteer in 3 months. Keep writing, stay well, and know that we miss you.
Delete-B
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI'm a current health PCV in Tanzania and I think you are so incredibly brave, strong and wonderful for doing this. As mentioned previously our staff shared your blog with us and I've heard nothing but positive comments out of the TZ PCV community. I also have sent it out to my HIV/AIDS peer educators back in the States and your blog really struck a chord as they were discussing protection in terms of oral sex when educating college students.
I'm sure it may not seem like it all of the time and words can only go so far, but no you ARE making a HUGE difference. What is so incredible about what you are doing now is that it has no 27 month time limit. You are doing something proactive, positive, and (in many ways) has a greater capacity to effect change on a wider-scale.
I look forward to reading more of your honest, thorough, and valid writings in the future.
Bravo.
Thank you for sharing! You may be on a different course than you originally intended, but it is clear that you are going to use your experience to create positive change in the world.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. As others have said, even if you are unable to accomplish your original goals, through your experience and your writing you will be making a difference in many other's lives. Keep up the writing and activism. Remember that you are never alone. Life is strange, we all have our baggage, our experiences good and bad, and we can all learn from them. Sharing those experiences can some times be the best ways that we can help others and offer support. Whether it is disease, divorce, loss, or anything else, we are not alone. We can all move forward together.
ReplyDelete