Time has been flying by lately. I guess that is why people say "time flies when you're having fun". My life has been very busy and very happy this past month.
I am still dating my guy. It has been more than a month since I disclosed "my secret" to him, and he still has not run away. He continues to amaze me with his acceptance and patience. It has not been easy. It is not something that we can talk about once and then forget about. It is an ongoing conversation that comes up daily. New questions come up. New feelings come up. New situations come up that we hadn't thought about before. It is all new... for both of us. We continue to research and talk and learn together. There is no guidebook. There are not always clear cut answers to our questions. The numbers and risks are not always specific enough.
Sometimes it is scary. I am scared for me. And I am scared for him. I am scared that we will mess up and take a risk or make a mistake that could put him in harm's way. I am scared that he will decide it is just too complicated and not worth it. I am scared that others will influence his feelings about it.
I thought disclosing would be the hardest part. Now, I'm not totally sure. There is so much more that needs to be addressed and figured out now. I wonder if it will always be like this? Or if, after we get everything figured out initially, we will get more used to it and comfortable with the way things are? Not that we are doing a bad job now... we are actually doing quite a good job I think... but like I said, it is not easy.
I plan on doing a series of posts on various topics specifically relating to serodiscordant (+/-) relationships, so that I can share more with you about some of the challenging situations that may come up. I am already doing research on this stuff, so why not share what I've found with you? I would also like to share how each topic relates specifically to me and my relationship, but will be careful (for his sake) about the personal information I share.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
National HIV Testing Day- Tomorrow, June 27th!
June 27th is National HIV Testing Day. I am urging you, daring you, and pleading with you all to go get tested. No matter who you are, how old you are, what kind of relationships you have or have not had, what risks you have or have not taken, you should get tested. HIV does not discriminate. HIV can affect anyone, anywhere, at any time- no matter your age, race, sexuality, profession, intelligence, etc. If you have had sexual contact of any kind with another human being, you should get tested. Do not live in fear or ignorance. Take a stand for yourself and your life.
Use the link or widget below to find testing sites near you:
http://hivtest.cdc.gov/
Sunday, June 23, 2013
My First Dating Disclosure- Continued
So I went home that night with my nerves calmed and quieted, but definitely not gone. I was relieved that he took the news so well and did not freak out. I even thanked him for not slapping me (I do have a friend that has been slapped when he disclosed his status to a girl). However, I still had no idea where this left us. I had no idea what would come next. Maybe he wouldn't talk or hang out with me again? Maybe we would hang out the next time and he would tell me that he still liked me as a friend, but just wouldn't be able to date me? There was nothing to do but just wait and see.
Somehow, even with all these things in my head, I ended up sleeping great that night. I guess the whole event had just exhausted me- physically, mentally, and emotionally.
As I arrived to work the next morning, I received a good morning text from him and a wish of good luck on my first day of summer school. Alright. Smile on my face. This was a good sign.
Then, as I was driving home from work, I received another text. He was done working for the day, and wanted me to please bring over the HIV information/literature I had collected for him. Wow. Awesome. This was a great sign. I was so pleased that he actually cared enough about it to take the initiative to ask me for the information. He wanted to read it.
So, I raced home, grabbed the folder I had prepared, looked through it one last time, wondering if there was anything else I should add in there. This was a big deal. This could make it or break it. I had to give him some good stuff to start with. (What did I include? NY State 100 HIV Questions and Answers booklet; various Fact Sheets from Aidsinfo.net; a power point presentation on HIV Basics from a conference I attended; recent study results on Undetectable Viral Loads and Serodiscordant couples; and about 5 key posts printed out from my blog)
I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at his house. I was ready to just drop the stuff off and leave, but again, things went better than that. I went inside and we sat down on the couch and started talking- but not about HIV. It was just like normal, except for the folder sitting on the couch between us. Eventually he asked me what I brought for him. I flipped through the folder and just quickly showed what each thing was. He seemed excited about it and put the folder in his room to look at and read later. Then we sat there and continued talking, this time moving into topics about HIV. I was able to explain a bit more of the factual kind of information. I talked more in depth about my medicine and my numbers and what exactly undetectable meant. He asked a few questions of his own and asked for clarification on a couple things that I had mentioned. It turned out to be a great talk. I didn't have to cry during this talk, I had gotten that out of the way the night before. Now I was free to just be me and share what I knew.
I received a text later that night saying he had read my blog printouts and he was very impressed. I continued to smile.
This all happened a week ago. And we have been hanging out almost every day since then. We have been able to talk openly about it, share our feelings, and discuss various questions/concerns. There have definitely been some awkward moments, but we are both able to admit that this is new to us and we are doing the best we can. It is going to be a continual learning and growing process, for the both of us. I continue to be in awe of his openness, patience, and understanding.
Somehow, even with all these things in my head, I ended up sleeping great that night. I guess the whole event had just exhausted me- physically, mentally, and emotionally.
As I arrived to work the next morning, I received a good morning text from him and a wish of good luck on my first day of summer school. Alright. Smile on my face. This was a good sign.
Then, as I was driving home from work, I received another text. He was done working for the day, and wanted me to please bring over the HIV information/literature I had collected for him. Wow. Awesome. This was a great sign. I was so pleased that he actually cared enough about it to take the initiative to ask me for the information. He wanted to read it.
So, I raced home, grabbed the folder I had prepared, looked through it one last time, wondering if there was anything else I should add in there. This was a big deal. This could make it or break it. I had to give him some good stuff to start with. (What did I include? NY State 100 HIV Questions and Answers booklet; various Fact Sheets from Aidsinfo.net; a power point presentation on HIV Basics from a conference I attended; recent study results on Undetectable Viral Loads and Serodiscordant couples; and about 5 key posts printed out from my blog)
I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at his house. I was ready to just drop the stuff off and leave, but again, things went better than that. I went inside and we sat down on the couch and started talking- but not about HIV. It was just like normal, except for the folder sitting on the couch between us. Eventually he asked me what I brought for him. I flipped through the folder and just quickly showed what each thing was. He seemed excited about it and put the folder in his room to look at and read later. Then we sat there and continued talking, this time moving into topics about HIV. I was able to explain a bit more of the factual kind of information. I talked more in depth about my medicine and my numbers and what exactly undetectable meant. He asked a few questions of his own and asked for clarification on a couple things that I had mentioned. It turned out to be a great talk. I didn't have to cry during this talk, I had gotten that out of the way the night before. Now I was free to just be me and share what I knew.
I received a text later that night saying he had read my blog printouts and he was very impressed. I continued to smile.
This all happened a week ago. And we have been hanging out almost every day since then. We have been able to talk openly about it, share our feelings, and discuss various questions/concerns. There have definitely been some awkward moments, but we are both able to admit that this is new to us and we are doing the best we can. It is going to be a continual learning and growing process, for the both of us. I continue to be in awe of his openness, patience, and understanding.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
My First Dating Disclosure
I did it!
And I survived.
And he survived.
And it went better than I could have or would have ever anticipated.
So, for all of my planning and preparation and obsession, it finally kind of happened on accident. Well, not on accident, but not as planned either. It turns out that I'm just a little bit too transparent and not at all good at keeping secrets (I know, you all are completely shocked, right?!?!?).
We were of course watching the basketball game at his place. He had just gotten back from a weekend out of town, so we had not seen each other for a few days. We were just laying on the couch catching up and talking about various things. We were having some really good conversation, touching here and there on some more serious topics, taking some risks and sharing things that might not just come up in daily conversations. There was a level of comfort and trust developing there between us and it felt good.
There were a couple of points where I had to avoid a complete answer, promising to give him a better answer "some other night". One of the moments had to do with my ex, because I had mentioned that we were remaining good friends and that there was a "significant reason" for us to remain friends. We had also already had a previous conversation where I could not tell him where/how my ex and I had met, or why we were together (being that my ex and I don't seem like a likely match). This all added up to seem a bit suspicious to him, and he decided that I must have some kind of important secret. He teased me for a minute about my secret, and I kept saying that I would tell him, but not tonight. He asked me if I had a kid that he didn't know about. I laughed and said no. He decided to give up and drop the "secret"... at least for awhile.
Later in our talking, I happened to share that I had a fear of ending up alone. And that made no sense to him, because I was an attractive, intelligent, fun woman, why would I end up alone?!?!? Thus he was reminded of the "secret" again and he figured that it must play a role in this fear of ending up alone.
A couple of minutes later he said he had a question for me, but that I may not like it. He got really nervous and embarrassed and wasn't able to ask it right away.
I asked him "Is your question related to my secret?"
He said "I don't know. It might be or it might not".
Then I asked "Is your question related to sex?"
He said "Yes."
I started panicking inside. I knew what the question was going to be. And I figured that he probably had a good idea of what the answer was going to be. I took a deep breath, snuggled deeper into his chest, and braced myself for what was coming next. I told him to ask his question.
"Do you have any STDs?"
"Yes. And yes that relates to my secret." Breathe. There. It's done. It's started. No going back. There is only forward now. Breathe.
The next couple minutes were hard. I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. We just laid there. The secret was out, but there was so much more to tell. The basketball game was just in the beginning of the 4th quarter. I told him that I was going to talk, but we should wait until the game was over so there would be no distractions. But time was going painfully slow, and it was just too weird, so we eventually decided to talk anyways with the game still on. I told him I had never done this before. I asked him if he was ready.
Then I told him my story, beginning with falling sick in my village, the hospitals and tests, medical evacuation, and then being diagnosed with HIV. I told him about my current health, my numbers, and my medication. I told him about my blog and other advocacy activities I've been involved in. I told him how I met my ex at an HIV conference. I told him he wasn't at any risk from kissing me. I eventually back tracked and told him the story of how I had contracted it in the first place. I told him I had information and literature for him to read, but it was at home, because I hadn't planned for this conversation to happen tonight.
His reaction? It was more of a non-reaction. He didn't really have any questions. He didn't really say much of anything, other than he wasn't completely surprised, as he had started sensing and thinking something along these lines. He said I had made enough references over time to some sort of a secret, that he knew something was going on. He said he would be happy to read whatever information I had for him. He continued to lay there and hold me and hug me and comfort me when I would start to cry a little bit again.
I started to go numb. He was being so nice and comforting. He wasn't freaking out. But the only thing going through my mind was this other blog I had read where the girl was talking about how after she disclosed, the guys would be all nice and comforting and hug her that night, but then never talk to her again after that. So here we are laying there, and he's holding me, and I'm thinking "This is too familiar. He's just being nice. But this is it. I might as well say goodbye now."
So I got up to say goodbye and leave. And then the most amazing thing happened. He pulled me back down on the couch with him so that he could kiss me. And not just a peck. It was a real kiss, and it felt like he meant it.
To be continued...
And I survived.
And he survived.
And it went better than I could have or would have ever anticipated.
So, for all of my planning and preparation and obsession, it finally kind of happened on accident. Well, not on accident, but not as planned either. It turns out that I'm just a little bit too transparent and not at all good at keeping secrets (I know, you all are completely shocked, right?!?!?).
We were of course watching the basketball game at his place. He had just gotten back from a weekend out of town, so we had not seen each other for a few days. We were just laying on the couch catching up and talking about various things. We were having some really good conversation, touching here and there on some more serious topics, taking some risks and sharing things that might not just come up in daily conversations. There was a level of comfort and trust developing there between us and it felt good.
There were a couple of points where I had to avoid a complete answer, promising to give him a better answer "some other night". One of the moments had to do with my ex, because I had mentioned that we were remaining good friends and that there was a "significant reason" for us to remain friends. We had also already had a previous conversation where I could not tell him where/how my ex and I had met, or why we were together (being that my ex and I don't seem like a likely match). This all added up to seem a bit suspicious to him, and he decided that I must have some kind of important secret. He teased me for a minute about my secret, and I kept saying that I would tell him, but not tonight. He asked me if I had a kid that he didn't know about. I laughed and said no. He decided to give up and drop the "secret"... at least for awhile.
Later in our talking, I happened to share that I had a fear of ending up alone. And that made no sense to him, because I was an attractive, intelligent, fun woman, why would I end up alone?!?!? Thus he was reminded of the "secret" again and he figured that it must play a role in this fear of ending up alone.
A couple of minutes later he said he had a question for me, but that I may not like it. He got really nervous and embarrassed and wasn't able to ask it right away.
I asked him "Is your question related to my secret?"
He said "I don't know. It might be or it might not".
Then I asked "Is your question related to sex?"
He said "Yes."
I started panicking inside. I knew what the question was going to be. And I figured that he probably had a good idea of what the answer was going to be. I took a deep breath, snuggled deeper into his chest, and braced myself for what was coming next. I told him to ask his question.
"Do you have any STDs?"
"Yes. And yes that relates to my secret." Breathe. There. It's done. It's started. No going back. There is only forward now. Breathe.
The next couple minutes were hard. I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. We just laid there. The secret was out, but there was so much more to tell. The basketball game was just in the beginning of the 4th quarter. I told him that I was going to talk, but we should wait until the game was over so there would be no distractions. But time was going painfully slow, and it was just too weird, so we eventually decided to talk anyways with the game still on. I told him I had never done this before. I asked him if he was ready.
Then I told him my story, beginning with falling sick in my village, the hospitals and tests, medical evacuation, and then being diagnosed with HIV. I told him about my current health, my numbers, and my medication. I told him about my blog and other advocacy activities I've been involved in. I told him how I met my ex at an HIV conference. I told him he wasn't at any risk from kissing me. I eventually back tracked and told him the story of how I had contracted it in the first place. I told him I had information and literature for him to read, but it was at home, because I hadn't planned for this conversation to happen tonight.
His reaction? It was more of a non-reaction. He didn't really have any questions. He didn't really say much of anything, other than he wasn't completely surprised, as he had started sensing and thinking something along these lines. He said I had made enough references over time to some sort of a secret, that he knew something was going on. He said he would be happy to read whatever information I had for him. He continued to lay there and hold me and hug me and comfort me when I would start to cry a little bit again.
I started to go numb. He was being so nice and comforting. He wasn't freaking out. But the only thing going through my mind was this other blog I had read where the girl was talking about how after she disclosed, the guys would be all nice and comforting and hug her that night, but then never talk to her again after that. So here we are laying there, and he's holding me, and I'm thinking "This is too familiar. He's just being nice. But this is it. I might as well say goodbye now."
So I got up to say goodbye and leave. And then the most amazing thing happened. He pulled me back down on the couch with him so that he could kiss me. And not just a peck. It was a real kiss, and it felt like he meant it.
To be continued...
Friday, June 14, 2013
A Couple AIDS Jokes
A friend of mine e-mailed me the other day in response to my "Awkward Magic Johnson moment". He proceeded to tell me of one of his own awkward moments recently. In a college class, someone in a role of authority decided to tell a couple jokes...
"How do you give CPR to an AIDS patient?" He started stomping on an imaginary person on the ground with his foot, and blowing in the air from a standing position.
"The AIDS diet is pancakes because they can be slid under a closed door."
This friend of mine said that in response to each joke, "A room full of my friends cheered and applauded. Again riotous laughter from my peers."
I do not share these jokes with you so that you can go out and use them in your own social circles. I share them in order to call attention to some of the mean and hurtful things that can be and are being said. Can you imagine being an HIV+ person sitting in a college class, where the teacher and students (who you expect to be educated and have a little bit of class) are jointly making these kinds of jokes and remarks? Yeah, of course they don't know that you are sitting there and have HIV. They don't know that it may be personally hurtful to you. But that's the point! They don't know! None of us can know for sure who in our company may be HIV+, or may have a family member or close friend who is HIV+ . So, watch what you say! It is just ignorant and in poor taste.
"How do you give CPR to an AIDS patient?" He started stomping on an imaginary person on the ground with his foot, and blowing in the air from a standing position.
"The AIDS diet is pancakes because they can be slid under a closed door."
This friend of mine said that in response to each joke, "A room full of my friends cheered and applauded. Again riotous laughter from my peers."
I do not share these jokes with you so that you can go out and use them in your own social circles. I share them in order to call attention to some of the mean and hurtful things that can be and are being said. Can you imagine being an HIV+ person sitting in a college class, where the teacher and students (who you expect to be educated and have a little bit of class) are jointly making these kinds of jokes and remarks? Yeah, of course they don't know that you are sitting there and have HIV. They don't know that it may be personally hurtful to you. But that's the point! They don't know! None of us can know for sure who in our company may be HIV+, or may have a family member or close friend who is HIV+ . So, watch what you say! It is just ignorant and in poor taste.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Dating Update 2
More dates with the negative guy from Kickball... including more dinners out and in, watching the basketball games, hanging out at the pool, breakfast, and doing an oil painting together (yes seriously).
I'm not sure what else to say. Things are going good. We get along well. Too well. To the point that after an entire day together having breakfast and then hanging out at the pool, I walked into my house and cried. I cried because I'm having such a good time, and because I have absolutely no faith that it is going to last or lead to anything. I cried because I feel like I'm having panic/anxiety attacks the past few days just thinking about telling him. I cried because I'm scared and I don't want to have to deal with this...
P.S. It is my Birthday today. I am 27.
(We celebrated my B-Day on Saturday night by going out dancing!)
I'm not sure what else to say. Things are going good. We get along well. Too well. To the point that after an entire day together having breakfast and then hanging out at the pool, I walked into my house and cried. I cried because I'm having such a good time, and because I have absolutely no faith that it is going to last or lead to anything. I cried because I feel like I'm having panic/anxiety attacks the past few days just thinking about telling him. I cried because I'm scared and I don't want to have to deal with this...
P.S. It is my Birthday today. I am 27.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Awkward...
Just wanted to share an awkward moment with you...
So here I am on a date, relaxing and watching the basketball game last night... and during halftime my date says, "You know who that broadcaster is, right?" (he's kind of messing with me because I don't know all that much about basketball).
So, I'm like, "ummmmm... nope... can't think of anyone. Give me a hint."
So he says, "AIDS."
And I go into an instant state of silent shock and a "Oh ****" in my head.
Taking my silence as ignorance, he says, "Magic Johnson! Come on, you gotta know that!"
AWKWARD...
Learn About Magic Johnson Here
So here I am on a date, relaxing and watching the basketball game last night... and during halftime my date says, "You know who that broadcaster is, right?" (he's kind of messing with me because I don't know all that much about basketball).
So, I'm like, "ummmmm... nope... can't think of anyone. Give me a hint."
So he says, "AIDS."
And I go into an instant state of silent shock and a "Oh ****" in my head.
Taking my silence as ignorance, he says, "Magic Johnson! Come on, you gotta know that!"
AWKWARD...
Learn About Magic Johnson Here
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Dating Update 1
I promised you I would keep you all updated on my "adventures" with dating....
Well, I have gone out on a few dates with a few people in the last couple weeks.
I went on a date with a guy from the HIV dating site. He was a nice guy, and it was nice to hang out with someone without having to worry about any secrets or judgements or anything like that. It was also nice to be able to discuss/compare/share our stories and various feelings and experiences so far with HIV. Right now we are just keeping in contact as friends.
I then went on about 3 dates with a guy from my kickball team (someone I have known for about 5 months now). We had fun going out for dinner, drinks, the beach, and hanging out at my house. We talked a lot and went through all the normal "getting to know you" conversations. I felt uncomfortable a few times as the conversation steered too close to coming back from Africa or how I met/got together with my ex (as those things are both related to the HIV). After hanging out a few times, we decided to just be friends, as there is actually a VERY big age difference between us and we decided it was just too weird.
Most recently, I went on 2 dates with another guy from my kickball team (I've also known him for about 5 months). We had a very eventful 2 dates, including homemade dinner, drinks, yardsaling, canoeing, dinner out, casino, and relaxing watching the basketball game. We have hit it off pretty well so far. Again, there have been some uncomfortable/awkward moments where I feel like I have to tiptoe around things to omit HIV related topics. It is a horrible feeling to be sitting there trying your best to get to know someone and let them get to know you, but the whole time feeling guilty because you are hiding something HUGE. Well, regardless of how guilty I was feeling, we still had a very enjoyable time and we ended up cuddling and kissing....which I am now having mixed feelings about (as I really did not intend to even kiss anybody before I tell them my "secret").
So there you have the details about what has gone on on the outside. Now, for a little more insight to the inside....
As I mentioned, with both of the negative guys, there were multiple times where it felt awkward and uncomfortable, or where I felt I needed to change the direction of the conversation in order to avoid certain topics. They of course want to know all about Peace Corps and Africa (but every time I talk about Africa, all it reminds me of is contracting HIV). They want to know where/how I met my ex (at an HIV conference, but I can't say that). They want to know why I don't accept friend requests on Facebook (because none of my new friends, kickball team, or co-workers know my status and I don't want them to find out). And so on...
So, the whole time I am with them, and when I am at home on my own, my thoughts have overwhelmingly been stuck on how and when I should disclose. I want to wait long enough to make sure that I really like the person and the person really likes me, and that there is an honest intention of the relationship going somewhere. I also want to wait until I know that I can trust the person with the information, regardless of whether they stay with me or not. This is especially complicated because the guys so far are from the kickball team, and I definitely do not want the information to be passed to the whole team, nor to one of my co-workers who is also one the team, which would then give it a chance to be passed on to my workplace. But at the same time, the longer I wait the more guilty and unsettled I feel. I hate hiding things. I hate lying to people. I hate feeling guilty just because I kissed someone before telling them.
I want to know WHEN it is going to be the right time. But I don't think there is a clear answer. I don't feel like it is going to be something I can schedule or plan for in advance. I think I am just going to have to take it day by day and conversation by conversation, and when I suddenly feel like it is right, I will just have to somehow find the guts to go for it.
Stay tuned for more updates...
(getting all dressed up for my friends' wedding last weekend)
Well, I have gone out on a few dates with a few people in the last couple weeks.
I went on a date with a guy from the HIV dating site. He was a nice guy, and it was nice to hang out with someone without having to worry about any secrets or judgements or anything like that. It was also nice to be able to discuss/compare/share our stories and various feelings and experiences so far with HIV. Right now we are just keeping in contact as friends.
I then went on about 3 dates with a guy from my kickball team (someone I have known for about 5 months now). We had fun going out for dinner, drinks, the beach, and hanging out at my house. We talked a lot and went through all the normal "getting to know you" conversations. I felt uncomfortable a few times as the conversation steered too close to coming back from Africa or how I met/got together with my ex (as those things are both related to the HIV). After hanging out a few times, we decided to just be friends, as there is actually a VERY big age difference between us and we decided it was just too weird.
Most recently, I went on 2 dates with another guy from my kickball team (I've also known him for about 5 months). We had a very eventful 2 dates, including homemade dinner, drinks, yardsaling, canoeing, dinner out, casino, and relaxing watching the basketball game. We have hit it off pretty well so far. Again, there have been some uncomfortable/awkward moments where I feel like I have to tiptoe around things to omit HIV related topics. It is a horrible feeling to be sitting there trying your best to get to know someone and let them get to know you, but the whole time feeling guilty because you are hiding something HUGE. Well, regardless of how guilty I was feeling, we still had a very enjoyable time and we ended up cuddling and kissing....which I am now having mixed feelings about (as I really did not intend to even kiss anybody before I tell them my "secret").
So there you have the details about what has gone on on the outside. Now, for a little more insight to the inside....
As I mentioned, with both of the negative guys, there were multiple times where it felt awkward and uncomfortable, or where I felt I needed to change the direction of the conversation in order to avoid certain topics. They of course want to know all about Peace Corps and Africa (but every time I talk about Africa, all it reminds me of is contracting HIV). They want to know where/how I met my ex (at an HIV conference, but I can't say that). They want to know why I don't accept friend requests on Facebook (because none of my new friends, kickball team, or co-workers know my status and I don't want them to find out). And so on...
So, the whole time I am with them, and when I am at home on my own, my thoughts have overwhelmingly been stuck on how and when I should disclose. I want to wait long enough to make sure that I really like the person and the person really likes me, and that there is an honest intention of the relationship going somewhere. I also want to wait until I know that I can trust the person with the information, regardless of whether they stay with me or not. This is especially complicated because the guys so far are from the kickball team, and I definitely do not want the information to be passed to the whole team, nor to one of my co-workers who is also one the team, which would then give it a chance to be passed on to my workplace. But at the same time, the longer I wait the more guilty and unsettled I feel. I hate hiding things. I hate lying to people. I hate feeling guilty just because I kissed someone before telling them.
I want to know WHEN it is going to be the right time. But I don't think there is a clear answer. I don't feel like it is going to be something I can schedule or plan for in advance. I think I am just going to have to take it day by day and conversation by conversation, and when I suddenly feel like it is right, I will just have to somehow find the guts to go for it.
Stay tuned for more updates...
Monday, May 13, 2013
A New Adventure
For those of you that do not know, I have had a boyfriend almost the whole time I have had this blog. We met at an HIV conference that I attended within a month of me returning home with my new diagnosis. I even talked about this conference and new group of friends in my very first posting on this blog (World AIDS Day 2011). And yes, since the conference was for HIV+ people, it is safe for you to assume that he is also HIV+.
Unfortunately we just broke up 2 months ago. Yes, I am okay. We are both okay. We are still friends and will always be a support system for each other. I do not plan to delve more into our personal situation, but I wanted to give this basic information as a prequel to any future posts.
You see, I am now single...and now faced with a whole new open can of potential stresses and dilemmas as I step back into the dating scene for the first time as a HIV+ woman. I know this is an area that people have an interest in and will have questions about. So, I intend to try to keep you up to date on my adventures (I'm calling it that in an effort to keep myself feeling more positive about it, even though I am not).
To give you some foundational information..... I am currently researching in both directions...."poz" people and "negative" people. I have an account on an HIV dating site. And I also have an account on a regular dating site. So far the fishing pool is very limited (and often depressing) on the HIV site. The pool on the regular site is humongous, but terrifying! The fear of rejection is so overwhelming that I can feel myself shutting down and shying away before I even let something begin.
I happen to be reading a romance novel right now featuring an HIV+ woman entering the dating scene and finding love and acceptance from a new (negative) partner....and I'm thinking in my head....yeah, if only it was so easy....
But I guess I won't ever really know until I get some guts and actually try it....
Unfortunately we just broke up 2 months ago. Yes, I am okay. We are both okay. We are still friends and will always be a support system for each other. I do not plan to delve more into our personal situation, but I wanted to give this basic information as a prequel to any future posts.
You see, I am now single...and now faced with a whole new open can of potential stresses and dilemmas as I step back into the dating scene for the first time as a HIV+ woman. I know this is an area that people have an interest in and will have questions about. So, I intend to try to keep you up to date on my adventures (I'm calling it that in an effort to keep myself feeling more positive about it, even though I am not).
To give you some foundational information..... I am currently researching in both directions...."poz" people and "negative" people. I have an account on an HIV dating site. And I also have an account on a regular dating site. So far the fishing pool is very limited (and often depressing) on the HIV site. The pool on the regular site is humongous, but terrifying! The fear of rejection is so overwhelming that I can feel myself shutting down and shying away before I even let something begin.
I happen to be reading a romance novel right now featuring an HIV+ woman entering the dating scene and finding love and acceptance from a new (negative) partner....and I'm thinking in my head....yeah, if only it was so easy....
But I guess I won't ever really know until I get some guts and actually try it....
Friday, May 10, 2013
A Much Needed Update From Long Lost Jessica
People ask me "What's up with your blog? Are you done with it? Do you plan to keep it going?" Here is what I can tell you all:
I have no intention of completely abandoning my blog or readers. I love having the opportunity to share with people in this way. The honest truth is that I am busy living my life, and have naturally moved on a bit from it all. As I've shared my story and life with the world in the past year and a half- I have simultaneously been working through a barrage of thoughts and emotions within myself. Dealing with my HIV status is and always will be an ongoing process. I know that it will never be gone, but I also know that it will not always be in the forefront and focus of my life. I will have ups and downs. I will have times when it is all I can think (and write) about. But there will be times (like the past 6 months) where I've moved on a bit, where my life has developed a steady rhythm of normalcy, and I've almost forgotten that it's there. My life does not always have to be about HIV or being an advocate for HIV. I am still me, and I still have other parts of me.
With all that being said, please know that I am here, and will continue to be here. Know that behind the scenes, I continue to receive e-mails about my blog that I try my best to respond to. I have done my best to assist numerous people with online and school projects and other requests for advice or feedback that I've received.
More to come...I feel an "up" in my HIV writing on its way....
I have no intention of completely abandoning my blog or readers. I love having the opportunity to share with people in this way. The honest truth is that I am busy living my life, and have naturally moved on a bit from it all. As I've shared my story and life with the world in the past year and a half- I have simultaneously been working through a barrage of thoughts and emotions within myself. Dealing with my HIV status is and always will be an ongoing process. I know that it will never be gone, but I also know that it will not always be in the forefront and focus of my life. I will have ups and downs. I will have times when it is all I can think (and write) about. But there will be times (like the past 6 months) where I've moved on a bit, where my life has developed a steady rhythm of normalcy, and I've almost forgotten that it's there. My life does not always have to be about HIV or being an advocate for HIV. I am still me, and I still have other parts of me.
With all that being said, please know that I am here, and will continue to be here. Know that behind the scenes, I continue to receive e-mails about my blog that I try my best to respond to. I have done my best to assist numerous people with online and school projects and other requests for advice or feedback that I've received.
More to come...I feel an "up" in my HIV writing on its way....
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Recent Doctor Visit
I had a recent doctor visit.
My latest lab results were:
CD4- 710
CD4%- 26
VL- Undetectable
The doctor also decided that she considers me to be "very stable" and therefore does not feel the need to see me every 3 months, and is switching me to an every 6 month schedule. Yay!
My latest lab results were:
CD4- 710
CD4%- 26
VL- Undetectable
The doctor also decided that she considers me to be "very stable" and therefore does not feel the need to see me every 3 months, and is switching me to an every 6 month schedule. Yay!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
My Job
Some people have commented and asked me about my job as a teacher and the fact that I am HIV positive. They want to know if my school, students, parents, etc. know of my condition. Here's a little information, and how I feel about the situation....
By law, I am not required to inform my employer of my HIV status. I am also not required to inform the students or families of the students. All school employees are trained in and required to use Universal Precautions to respond to any situation involving blood/bodily fluids. Universal precautions refers to the practice of avoiding contact with patients' bodily fluids, by means of the wearing of nonporous articles such as medical gloves, goggles, and face shields. Under universal precautions all patients are considered to be possible carriers of blood-borne pathogens.
In regards to me and my personal situation....
Who knows?
The school district office is aware of my HIV status, but has the file marked Confidential, and is not available to my school, principal, students, families, or anyone else in the public that would request information about me. I did not plan on giving the district the information to begin with, but ended up kind of being forced to because of my Workers' Comp coverage with Peace Corps and some legality that the school district needed to know about any/all previous Workers' Comp claims. They did not want to process me if I would not provide the information. So I finally gave in and told them, chatted with a supervisor, and got the agreement (and witnessed) that the files were marked Confidential.
No one at my school is aware of my HIV status (to my knowledge). They know that I was in the Peace Corps in Africa, and that I came home early because I got sick. Most people don't ask much more about it. Some do ask what I got sick with, and I play dumb and say "There are so many things over there... parasites, malaria, etc...." and I let their imagination do the work.
There are other teachers, parents, and acquaintances in the school district that I was friends with prior to my HIV and some know about it through being connected to me on Facebook and seeing posts/links there. Others may not know about it if they have not yet stumbled across it on Facebook.
My students are 3-5 years old and have a range of Autism Spectrum Disorders, Developmental Delays, and Language Impairments. They do not know of my status nor would they comprehend anything about it if someone tried to explain it to them.
Do I feel bad for not telling?
Yes and No. I should not feel guilty for not telling, as I am definitely not obligated or required to tell. However, I do acknowledge that people (parents especially) would be very upset if they found out. I acknowledge that in a way, I am lying (through omission) to them. And that sucks. But, I also have to think about myself and my job, which is my livelihood and my passion. And I firmly believe that if people (school, parents, etc.) knew, then my job would quite possibly be in jeopardy. So, I feel forced to protect myself from that situation.
Do I get worried that someone will find out and be upset?
Yes, of course, every day. But, I really can't control that. There are enough people in the area that know, that I am sure it will come up sooner or later. And when it does, I'll deal with it then.
Do I plan on telling at some later point?
Yes, I have thought about it. I even thought about doing it last month for World AIDS Day, and holding some kind of presentation/information session at a Staff meeting. But, I decided it was too soon. I want people (co-workers, students, parents, employers) to really have a chance to get to know and love me as me, not as a disease. I want them to get to know Jessica, and not just have a first impression of HIV and get scared away.
How do I make sure I am safe at school?
It is easy. I do not bleed on my students. I do not have sex with my students. I do not give birth to or breastfeed my students.
Obviously, accidents can happen, and if I were to get injured, I would immediately separate myself from the students and ensure there was no blood exposure. Honestly, I put on a band-aid even when I get a tiny paper cut! If there EVER was any question of possible exposure, I would immediately inform the school administrators and nurse of the situation and possible threat of exposure.
P.S. We change diapers in my classroom, so we always have gloves around anyways! I also carry gloves in my school bag that travels with us around the school grounds.
Hopefully this answers some of your questions. Please feel free to comment and/or ask more questions. I think I'll put a poll up to see how you all feel about it too....
By law, I am not required to inform my employer of my HIV status. I am also not required to inform the students or families of the students. All school employees are trained in and required to use Universal Precautions to respond to any situation involving blood/bodily fluids. Universal precautions refers to the practice of avoiding contact with patients' bodily fluids, by means of the wearing of nonporous articles such as medical gloves, goggles, and face shields. Under universal precautions all patients are considered to be possible carriers of blood-borne pathogens.
In regards to me and my personal situation....
Who knows?
The school district office is aware of my HIV status, but has the file marked Confidential, and is not available to my school, principal, students, families, or anyone else in the public that would request information about me. I did not plan on giving the district the information to begin with, but ended up kind of being forced to because of my Workers' Comp coverage with Peace Corps and some legality that the school district needed to know about any/all previous Workers' Comp claims. They did not want to process me if I would not provide the information. So I finally gave in and told them, chatted with a supervisor, and got the agreement (and witnessed) that the files were marked Confidential.
No one at my school is aware of my HIV status (to my knowledge). They know that I was in the Peace Corps in Africa, and that I came home early because I got sick. Most people don't ask much more about it. Some do ask what I got sick with, and I play dumb and say "There are so many things over there... parasites, malaria, etc...." and I let their imagination do the work.
There are other teachers, parents, and acquaintances in the school district that I was friends with prior to my HIV and some know about it through being connected to me on Facebook and seeing posts/links there. Others may not know about it if they have not yet stumbled across it on Facebook.
My students are 3-5 years old and have a range of Autism Spectrum Disorders, Developmental Delays, and Language Impairments. They do not know of my status nor would they comprehend anything about it if someone tried to explain it to them.
Do I feel bad for not telling?
Yes and No. I should not feel guilty for not telling, as I am definitely not obligated or required to tell. However, I do acknowledge that people (parents especially) would be very upset if they found out. I acknowledge that in a way, I am lying (through omission) to them. And that sucks. But, I also have to think about myself and my job, which is my livelihood and my passion. And I firmly believe that if people (school, parents, etc.) knew, then my job would quite possibly be in jeopardy. So, I feel forced to protect myself from that situation.
Do I get worried that someone will find out and be upset?
Yes, of course, every day. But, I really can't control that. There are enough people in the area that know, that I am sure it will come up sooner or later. And when it does, I'll deal with it then.
Do I plan on telling at some later point?
Yes, I have thought about it. I even thought about doing it last month for World AIDS Day, and holding some kind of presentation/information session at a Staff meeting. But, I decided it was too soon. I want people (co-workers, students, parents, employers) to really have a chance to get to know and love me as me, not as a disease. I want them to get to know Jessica, and not just have a first impression of HIV and get scared away.
How do I make sure I am safe at school?
It is easy. I do not bleed on my students. I do not have sex with my students. I do not give birth to or breastfeed my students.
Obviously, accidents can happen, and if I were to get injured, I would immediately separate myself from the students and ensure there was no blood exposure. Honestly, I put on a band-aid even when I get a tiny paper cut! If there EVER was any question of possible exposure, I would immediately inform the school administrators and nurse of the situation and possible threat of exposure.
P.S. We change diapers in my classroom, so we always have gloves around anyways! I also carry gloves in my school bag that travels with us around the school grounds.
Hopefully this answers some of your questions. Please feel free to comment and/or ask more questions. I think I'll put a poll up to see how you all feel about it too....
New Numbers!
Just wanted to quickly mention my last lab results....
Viral Load- Undetectable
CD4 count- 862
CD4 percent- 37%
Woohoo! These results are awesome!
Viral Load- Undetectable
CD4 count- 862
CD4 percent- 37%
Woohoo! These results are awesome!
Monday, November 26, 2012
AIDS Response Effort Article
Recently, a reader contacted me to ask permission to use my picture and story in an article that he wanted to write and post on his organization's website. I of course gave him permission to do so. Here is a link to the organization's website AIDS Response Effort. And here is a link directly to the article he wrote about me "Unprotected Oral Sex May Lead to HIV Positive Result".
There are also some interesting comments back to his article and my story. I guess his readers question my honesty and the truthfulness of my story. Some have also questioned how I could have become HIV+ within 17 days of the event, and that I must have been infected prior to that.
In response to these comments/questions, all I can say is:
1) I have always been honest about the events and my story from day one. I know what did and did not happen, and I have presented it to my readers in exact and honest detail. I have presented the details of the events, my sickness, the results, and the conclusions/opinions of my doctors, exactly as they happened. You may choose to believe it or not... but what you choose to believe does not change what happened.
2) I did not have HIV prior to the events I have described. I was tested before going to Africa and was negative. I became sick 17 days after the contracting event. I was sick with Acute HIV Infection or Acute Seroconversion. This happens between 2-4 weeks after infection with the virus. Please find information about Acute Infection here.
Please feel free to post any additional comments/questions here. Thanks!
There are also some interesting comments back to his article and my story. I guess his readers question my honesty and the truthfulness of my story. Some have also questioned how I could have become HIV+ within 17 days of the event, and that I must have been infected prior to that.
In response to these comments/questions, all I can say is:
1) I have always been honest about the events and my story from day one. I know what did and did not happen, and I have presented it to my readers in exact and honest detail. I have presented the details of the events, my sickness, the results, and the conclusions/opinions of my doctors, exactly as they happened. You may choose to believe it or not... but what you choose to believe does not change what happened.
2) I did not have HIV prior to the events I have described. I was tested before going to Africa and was negative. I became sick 17 days after the contracting event. I was sick with Acute HIV Infection or Acute Seroconversion. This happens between 2-4 weeks after infection with the virus. Please find information about Acute Infection here.
Please feel free to post any additional comments/questions here. Thanks!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Change In Medicine
Well, I finally got set up with a new doctor. I had my first appointment last week. It went well, and I think I will be happy with this doctor and office (except for the kind of long drive to get there).
I have been thinking about changing off of Atripla. I have been doing well on it and not experiencing any side effects...until I started teaching again and have to wake up and get to work so early in the morning. Some of the effects of Atripla are that it can make you drowsy and also give a nauseous/dizzy/drunk feeling. This is why it is recommended to take it at night, so that you sleep through most of the side effects. However, if you wake up early in the morning, it is possible for some people that these side effects have not completely worn off yet. So, for the past couple months, I have been feeling very tired and nauseous in the morning, and it really is not very pleasant to have to go to school and start teaching each morning while I feel like I'm about to puke. Anyways... my new doctor was also very interested in switching me off of Atripla for some other reasons... basically that it interferes with MANY birth control products, and is also not safe for a baby if I was to get pregnant. She was very adamant that she would have never started a female my age on Atripla to begin with.
So, with all that being said, I have now switched to a new medicine. It is called Stribild, and is a 4 in 1 combination pill. Here is some info about it if you are interested stribild.com. I still take one pill a day, and I am choosing to continue taking it at night (even though I could take it at any time of the day). I will now have to take it with dinner (as opposed to Atripla, which I had to take on an empty stomach before bed). So far, I do not think I have any side effects from it.
P.S. I will let you all know when I get my new lab results.
I have been thinking about changing off of Atripla. I have been doing well on it and not experiencing any side effects...until I started teaching again and have to wake up and get to work so early in the morning. Some of the effects of Atripla are that it can make you drowsy and also give a nauseous/dizzy/drunk feeling. This is why it is recommended to take it at night, so that you sleep through most of the side effects. However, if you wake up early in the morning, it is possible for some people that these side effects have not completely worn off yet. So, for the past couple months, I have been feeling very tired and nauseous in the morning, and it really is not very pleasant to have to go to school and start teaching each morning while I feel like I'm about to puke. Anyways... my new doctor was also very interested in switching me off of Atripla for some other reasons... basically that it interferes with MANY birth control products, and is also not safe for a baby if I was to get pregnant. She was very adamant that she would have never started a female my age on Atripla to begin with.
So, with all that being said, I have now switched to a new medicine. It is called Stribild, and is a 4 in 1 combination pill. Here is some info about it if you are interested stribild.com. I still take one pill a day, and I am choosing to continue taking it at night (even though I could take it at any time of the day). I will now have to take it with dinner (as opposed to Atripla, which I had to take on an empty stomach before bed). So far, I do not think I have any side effects from it.
P.S. I will let you all know when I get my new lab results.
Friday, October 19, 2012
I Am Still Alive
Yes, I know... I suck. I abandoned you all months ago. Don't really have a good reason why... maybe a combination of reasons... (1) Life got busy (2) I got busy (3) Maybe I was grieving from my decision to not return to Peace Corps (4) Maybe I just needed a break from it all.
I do apologize for my absence. I know that I let down a lot of dedicated readers. And I promise I have been trying to get back into it for awhile now. So, now here I finally am... and with months to catch you up on. So, I'll try to start from where I left off, but without going into too much detail, because I don't want to overwhelm you with the length of it all.
So, yeah, last time I talked I had a nasty infection going on. Let's just say that continued on for quite a long time. I went through 20+ grueling days of antibiotics just to get over it. And even after that it was a slow recovery, waiting for the sores to totally heal up, and then for the scars to go away. They never did figure out what started it all. And to be honest, I'm not entirely convinced that something like this won't happen again... every now and again, I start to get a little bit of the initial rash flare up again in the same spot. Now that I know what it can lead to though, I am extra careful about keeping the area super clean and not breaking the skin open to let any infection in again.
As I had also alluded to before, I did make the decision to give up on going back to the Peace Corps. I just decided that maybe it was not the smartest thing for me and my health at the time. I continue to be grateful to my contacts and supports in Peace Corps for being willing to give me that opportunity to go back if I had decided that I wanted to.
Once that decision had been made, it was really time for me to move forward with my life and set down some more permanent roots. And this is where all the big changes and busy-ness started. It went a bit like this:
- June- decided I was going to move back to my home state & immediate family in Florida
- June 11th- my Birthday! I am now 26!
- June30th- July 1st- drove a moving truck down from NY to FL (with my roommate)
- July 2nd- had my first interview for a teaching job- was hired that same afternoon
- July 10th- found an apartment and signed a lease
- July13th- bought a brand new car- Ouch! That hurt!
- July 20th- my sister and her family also move back home to FL
- July-August- attended lots of trainings for my job
- August 3rd- officially announced that my roommate was actually my boyfriend (lol oops sorry guys)
- August 13th- started my teaching job at school
- August-October- going crazy with the stress of teaching again, lots of trainings, lots of lesson planning, lots of tears, etc.
So, yeah... it has been a busy few months. A lot of huge decisions and changes being made. Honestly, I am quite exhausted.
As far as my HIV goes, I don't really have any new updates for you. With all of the other things going on, I have failed to actually get set up with doctors down here yet. I did try to get set up with a local clinic when we first moved down, but was disappointed with a rejection because they would not accept my Workers Comp. So, after that I gave up on it for a little bit. I finally have a day off of school today, and took the time to call another hospital and fax them my info. to see if I can get set up with them. Once I do get set up with a doctor, I may look into trying to change my medication. I was not experiencing side effects from the Atripla before, but now that I have to wake up so early for school each day, I am having a lot of bothersome nausea and fatigue in the mornings.
Okay, that should be enough for now... back to lesson planning...
I do apologize for my absence. I know that I let down a lot of dedicated readers. And I promise I have been trying to get back into it for awhile now. So, now here I finally am... and with months to catch you up on. So, I'll try to start from where I left off, but without going into too much detail, because I don't want to overwhelm you with the length of it all.
So, yeah, last time I talked I had a nasty infection going on. Let's just say that continued on for quite a long time. I went through 20+ grueling days of antibiotics just to get over it. And even after that it was a slow recovery, waiting for the sores to totally heal up, and then for the scars to go away. They never did figure out what started it all. And to be honest, I'm not entirely convinced that something like this won't happen again... every now and again, I start to get a little bit of the initial rash flare up again in the same spot. Now that I know what it can lead to though, I am extra careful about keeping the area super clean and not breaking the skin open to let any infection in again.
As I had also alluded to before, I did make the decision to give up on going back to the Peace Corps. I just decided that maybe it was not the smartest thing for me and my health at the time. I continue to be grateful to my contacts and supports in Peace Corps for being willing to give me that opportunity to go back if I had decided that I wanted to.
Once that decision had been made, it was really time for me to move forward with my life and set down some more permanent roots. And this is where all the big changes and busy-ness started. It went a bit like this:
- June- decided I was going to move back to my home state & immediate family in Florida
- June 11th- my Birthday! I am now 26!
- June30th- July 1st- drove a moving truck down from NY to FL (with my roommate)
- July 2nd- had my first interview for a teaching job- was hired that same afternoon
- July 10th- found an apartment and signed a lease
- July13th- bought a brand new car- Ouch! That hurt!
- July 20th- my sister and her family also move back home to FL
- July-August- attended lots of trainings for my job
- August 3rd- officially announced that my roommate was actually my boyfriend (lol oops sorry guys)
- August 13th- started my teaching job at school
- August-October- going crazy with the stress of teaching again, lots of trainings, lots of lesson planning, lots of tears, etc.
So, yeah... it has been a busy few months. A lot of huge decisions and changes being made. Honestly, I am quite exhausted.
As far as my HIV goes, I don't really have any new updates for you. With all of the other things going on, I have failed to actually get set up with doctors down here yet. I did try to get set up with a local clinic when we first moved down, but was disappointed with a rejection because they would not accept my Workers Comp. So, after that I gave up on it for a little bit. I finally have a day off of school today, and took the time to call another hospital and fax them my info. to see if I can get set up with them. Once I do get set up with a doctor, I may look into trying to change my medication. I was not experiencing side effects from the Atripla before, but now that I have to wake up so early for school each day, I am having a lot of bothersome nausea and fatigue in the mornings.
Okay, that should be enough for now... back to lesson planning...
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Life Decisions
I’ve never been so confused and distraught in my life (that
may be a slight exaggeration, as I have obviously had other difficult times in
my life… but right now, it’s just what I’m feeling).
Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been slightly quiet
and MIA the past few weeks… and there is a good reason for that. As you know, I’ve
been applying for reinstatement, and the process has been moving extremely
quickly and easily. You may also know that we were just waiting for my most
recent doctor’s appointment and lab results to come back…
I guess I can start with the good news… my viral load is
still Undetectable, and my CD4 count was at 513 (which is slightly lower than
last time, but still good). If you’ve been keeping up with my story and
process, you know that these results should mean good news for Peace Corps and
my reinstatement.
Unfortunately, something else has been going on… I have been
having a minor (or not so minor) medical issue for the past month. I haven’t
mentioned it before for a number of reasons (1) It really did start out as
small (2) The location and nature of it is a bit embarrassing (3) I was hoping
it would not be a big deal and would be resolved easily. However, so much has
come up from this minor issue that I’ve now decided that I might as well get
over my embarrassment and share it with you…
So, about six weeks ago I noticed what looked to be like bug
bites on my butt. But, they seemed to be getting worse, spreading, and not
healing. I then decided, “Okay, weird, I have some kind of mysterious rash on
my butt”. It was still a very minor issue at this time, but itchy and
irritating, so after 2-3 weeks of it, I went in to the doctor.
The doctor’s first diagnosis (i.e. guess) was a fungal
infection, and she prescribed me an anti-fungal cream. Okay, no big deal…
people with HIV tend to be more prone to fungal infections. Well, either the
fungal cream, or time, or some other unknown factor actually ended up making
the rash about 10 times worse.
I went to the doctor again the next week. The doctor’s second
diagnosis (i.e. guess), against my very strong objections, was Herpes. They
prescribed me Valtrex and made me take it while we waited for the Herpes blood
and culture results to come back. One week later, not to my surprise at all,
the Herpes tests all came back Negative. As you can guess, the rash continued
to get worse.
I went in to the doctor for a third time. This time the
doctor’s diagnosis (i.e. guess) is Impetigo/Staph/Strep Infection. They
prescribed me an oral antibiotic to take as we wait for the bacterial culture
results to come back. I do not want to jinx myself, but I actually think they
may have gotten it right this time, as I have been on antibiotics for 48 hours
now, and it finally seems that my rash may be improving a bit.
I wish I could share a picture with you, so that you all
could know just how serious my infection got… but I will maintain some level of privacy and refrain from doing
that. Just imagine a butt with more than 50% of its area covered with inflamed,
bright red, blistered, and oozing sores. It itches terribly non-stop, and I
have been on near constant doses of Benadryl for weeks now. I soak or wash in
the bathtub multiple times a day and night, and I sit and sleep on ice packs.
It has been absolutely MISERABLE.
I do not tell you all of this in the hopes to gross you out
or scare you. Rather, I just want you to understand a bit of what I’m going
through, so that you may better understand what I am going to say next.
Ever since this whole HIV thing started, I have been
surprisingly positive. I have optimistically clung to the idea that as long as
I took my medication, got my viral load undetectable, and maintained a high CD4
count, that I would be just as happy and healthy as anyone else. And up to this
point, nothing has really challenged me on that. I haven’t even so much as gotten
a cold or cough or the flu, even when many around me were sick.
But this, this has been a punch to the gut, a slap to the
face, a major wake up call. The doctors can’t even say for sure whether this
infection is even related to my HIV or not. In reality, we still are not even
sure that they have figured it out and resolved it completely yet. But,
regardless of what it is, and how or why it came about, it has forced me to
admit some things to myself… and to you.
I have to admit that my body does not feel the same as it
used to.
I have to admit that it seems to take me weeks to heal from
simple mosquito bites or ingrown hairs or other irritations.
I have to admit that random areas of my skin are dry and
itchy, my hair was falling out a few months ago, and I have experienced fungal
infections.
I have to admit that I am still emotionally dealing with this
disease.
I have to admit that I am still very early, only 8 months,
into my diagnosis.
I have to admit that I am not invincible.
I have to admit that if I go back to Africa, issues could
come up, and I would not have any of the conveniences (such as ice packs,
pharmacies, quality medical care, or even clean water) to deal with them as I
do here.
And I have to admit that that scares the heck out of me.
I have to admit that I may not be as brave as I would like
to think I am.
I have to admit that I MUST put my health first.
And I have to admit that maybe this means that I must let go
of my dream to go back to Peace Corps.
As always, I welcome your wisdom, comments, and opinions.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
My Interview With Peace Corps 101
So, a little over a week ago, I had the great opportunity to be interviewed on "Peace Corps 101 with Travis Hellstrom" on en*theos Radio. Travis is a Peace Corps Volunteer in Mongolia and has recently been hosting a 6 week online course about Peace Corps, featuring a number of guests, speakers, and professors. Now that the 6 week course has finished, Travis is launching a new series of interviews with special guests. And I got to be one of the firsts!
Please click here to view my interview page. At the top of the page you can click on the arrow to listen to my interview, or you can choose to download the MP3 file. Here is a little preview...
If you are interested in downloading and listening to any of the broadcasts from the 6 week Peace Corps 101 class, please click here and sign up for the course.
Please click here to view my interview page. At the top of the page you can click on the arrow to listen to my interview, or you can choose to download the MP3 file. Here is a little preview...
Interview with Jessica
In this interview, Travis sits down with Jessica, who served in Zambia as a Peace Corps Volunteer and was medically evacuated after she contracted HIV. Her popular blog, No Going Back. There Is Only Forward. follows her story, medical evacuation from Peace Corps and her current adventure as she applies to be reinstated as a PCV.If you are interested in downloading and listening to any of the broadcasts from the 6 week Peace Corps 101 class, please click here and sign up for the course.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
An Update on Reinstatement
I do not have much big news to give you about my reinstatement, but I do have a few additional bits of information to add in.
First, I found out (through the always wonderful Facebook) that both new training groups are heading to Zambia on July 16th. This is slightly different than what I had originally planned on, since I was expecting the Health group to be going in August as it did last year. Not a big deal... just moved up a couple weeks sooner.
Second, I received confirmation from my Country Desk Officer that the idea is in fact that I would join the Health group in July, and that the Country Director is in favor of that. I also found out that there is not a 6 week deadline regarding Reinstatements, as there is for original invitations (Original invitations must be received and accepted at least 6 weeks prior to the departure date). This simply means that whenever Medical Clearance is given, they can proceed with making travel arrangements, etc., and I do not have to stress about it all being completed 6 weeks before departure.
Other than that, we are all just waiting for my doctor's appointment on May 18th. The lab work done that day will basically decide all else.
I have to admit that I was having a little bit of a stressed out meltdown about all of this the past few days. You see, ever since I have had HIV, I always get worked up and stressed out before going to the doctor and getting lab work done. It's so scary never knowing what those numbers are going to come back as. Hopefully, I will eventually get used to it and not worry about it so much.
Yet, with so much riding on this month's particular lab work, I am even more stressed out than normal. Basically obsessing about whether or not my CD4 will come out good or not. So... I'm trying to not get sick and to take my vitamins and eat healthy as much as I can, but really I have little control over it... and no way of measuring or knowing until the results come back. It is hard to think that the future of my next 2 years will all come down to what that one number comes back saying.
In addition to stressing about my lab work, I'm starting to stress about the whole reinstatement thing in general. With it moving closer, it is becoming more real, and I find myself obsessing about whether or not I am doing the right thing. Do I really want to go back? Is everything going to work out? Am I putting my health at risk by going back?
It is also very different going back for the second time. When you first depart as a Peace Corps volunteer, you really have no idea what it is going to be like. You have all these ideas and fantasies in your head of what your service and life will be like, and a lot of times it's pretty "idealistic". However, when you have already been there once, you are not awarded all of these same idealistic fantasies. You have a more "realistic" view of what it will be like. You already know about some of the difficulties and troubles you will face, and this makes it a little bit more challenging to get so excited about it.
I don't think this necessarily means that I don't want to go back. I think it is probably pretty natural in a situation like this to be having some of these thoughts and feelings and concerns. And I think I will be able to move past it as more of the "unknowns" are figured out and decided.
Please wish me luck and send some good vibes my way, as I try to work through all of this and settle my mind and worries. The stress I've been putting myself under probably most certainly is not good for my immune levels!
First, I found out (through the always wonderful Facebook) that both new training groups are heading to Zambia on July 16th. This is slightly different than what I had originally planned on, since I was expecting the Health group to be going in August as it did last year. Not a big deal... just moved up a couple weeks sooner.
Second, I received confirmation from my Country Desk Officer that the idea is in fact that I would join the Health group in July, and that the Country Director is in favor of that. I also found out that there is not a 6 week deadline regarding Reinstatements, as there is for original invitations (Original invitations must be received and accepted at least 6 weeks prior to the departure date). This simply means that whenever Medical Clearance is given, they can proceed with making travel arrangements, etc., and I do not have to stress about it all being completed 6 weeks before departure.
Other than that, we are all just waiting for my doctor's appointment on May 18th. The lab work done that day will basically decide all else.
I have to admit that I was having a little bit of a stressed out meltdown about all of this the past few days. You see, ever since I have had HIV, I always get worked up and stressed out before going to the doctor and getting lab work done. It's so scary never knowing what those numbers are going to come back as. Hopefully, I will eventually get used to it and not worry about it so much.
Yet, with so much riding on this month's particular lab work, I am even more stressed out than normal. Basically obsessing about whether or not my CD4 will come out good or not. So... I'm trying to not get sick and to take my vitamins and eat healthy as much as I can, but really I have little control over it... and no way of measuring or knowing until the results come back. It is hard to think that the future of my next 2 years will all come down to what that one number comes back saying.
In addition to stressing about my lab work, I'm starting to stress about the whole reinstatement thing in general. With it moving closer, it is becoming more real, and I find myself obsessing about whether or not I am doing the right thing. Do I really want to go back? Is everything going to work out? Am I putting my health at risk by going back?
It is also very different going back for the second time. When you first depart as a Peace Corps volunteer, you really have no idea what it is going to be like. You have all these ideas and fantasies in your head of what your service and life will be like, and a lot of times it's pretty "idealistic". However, when you have already been there once, you are not awarded all of these same idealistic fantasies. You have a more "realistic" view of what it will be like. You already know about some of the difficulties and troubles you will face, and this makes it a little bit more challenging to get so excited about it.
I don't think this necessarily means that I don't want to go back. I think it is probably pretty natural in a situation like this to be having some of these thoughts and feelings and concerns. And I think I will be able to move past it as more of the "unknowns" are figured out and decided.
Please wish me luck and send some good vibes my way, as I try to work through all of this and settle my mind and worries. The stress I've been putting myself under probably most certainly is not good for my immune levels!
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