I recently
received an e-mail from a RPCV (Returned Peace Corps Volunteer). She shared an
amazing story with me, and some important information that I need to share with
all PCV's, RPCV's, and future PCV's. This amazing woman was born with HIV and
has lived her whole life with the disease. After hearing Elizabeth's
story, she had the courage to apply for the Peace Corps and see if they would
accept her. Guess what! They did!
The Peace Corps doctors in DC talked with her
and worked with her to find an appropriate country and placement. The Peace Corps
Medical Officers in her host country were also always supportive of her and
proud to say that she was one of their healthiest volunteers.
I am happy to
share that this HIV+ woman has now successfully served and completed her two
years as a Peace Corps Volunteer!
I applaud this brave woman and all future
volunteers that have the courage to go for their dreams, without allowing any
disease or medical condition to hold them back! I also applaud the Peace Corps
for being open and willing to broaden their acceptance of applicants with HIV.
Here is a quote that this brave HIV+ woman asked me to share with all of you:
"I could never have served 2 years in the Peace
Corps without Jesus Christ. He has
opened more doors for me than I could of have ever opened myself. Our community
was one of the furthest away from the capital. Our community also had unclean
water. My husband, who is HIV-, got really sick twice from bad water. I didn’t. I give glory to God that there are ARVs to
keep us HIV+ people alive to do good for others. HIV is not a curse in my life;
it is a opportunity for the Lord to show his mercy and great love. He has a
good plan for all of us HIV+ people!"
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
I Have a Boyfriend! And a New Bracelet!
I know that my updates on my dating life are probably confusing you by now. Don't worry! They have been confusing me too!
So, here is the plain, simple, concrete truth:
I have a boyfriend! A real, true, live boyfriend! And it is someone that you all already know about. Yes, it is my kickball guy. The one that I first disclosed to back in June. The one that I dated for months. And the one that came with me to my doctor's appointment. The one that I remained close friends with even after we stopped dating. The one that I said a "Difficult Goodbye" to a few weeks ago.
Well, it has all come back full circle now. I guess I was just too good to let go of ;-) He is finally ready to commit and have a relationship. And he wants that relationship to be with me. He is now opening up and sharing in a way that he never did before. Please pray for us and our future together!
P.S. The bracelet picture was an after thought to this post. But, I realized it was a good symbol of turning over a new leaf in my life. My boyfriend gave me this bracelet/watch months ago, and I love it! Isn't it interesting how we can hold tokens such as these so close to our hearts?
Monday, October 21, 2013
Update on Online Dating
Written on 10/18/13
If you remember, I decided back in August to "come out" to my kickball friends and also to the online dating world. Immediately after deciding this, I added a paragraph to my online dating profile stating:
I spent a year living and working in a village in Zambia, Africa, with the Peace Corps. I have always had a drive for helping those in need. While I was serving in Zambia, I contracted HIV. I have now been HIV+ for 2 years. I am extremely healthy, on medication, maintain an Undetectable Viral Load, and have a high CD4 count. HIV is a part of me, but it does not define me. If you are willing to be open and accepting of this, or are interested in learning more about it, please message me. If you would like to read my story, just google "No Going Back. There Is Only Forward".
So... what have the reactions been? Overall, I think I have received fewer messages (although I don't know for sure). The messages that I have received are the typical short/vague "Hi, hello, you are cute, i like your profile" type things and NONE of them have mentioned HIV... making it unclear as to whether or not they actually read my profile.
So has my decision to openly expose my secret been detrimental or beneficial? So far, the jury is still out... it has not made a difference either way...
Update: 10/21/13
I have been messaging with a guy that has definitely read all of my profile. We have discussed my time in Africa briefly, although not the HIV specifically. Apparently he seems to be okay with it if he contacted me and is taking the time to talk with me though.
Another guy was apparently upset by my not responding to him and he told me that I need to get more serious and make it obvious I am looking for a man "especially because of my situation", and there are many good men who will care less about what I got and more about how good a person you are- if I am real and straight and not playing games.
I don't think I'll be responding, as I don't really need/want to hear anything involving "especially because of your situation".
A third guy sent me a message letting me know that he read my profile and has the utmost respect for me and would be honored to get to know me.
***Interesting side note: All of the above men are black, and at least two of them are from Africa or have parents/family from Africa.
If you remember, I decided back in August to "come out" to my kickball friends and also to the online dating world. Immediately after deciding this, I added a paragraph to my online dating profile stating:
I spent a year living and working in a village in Zambia, Africa, with the Peace Corps. I have always had a drive for helping those in need. While I was serving in Zambia, I contracted HIV. I have now been HIV+ for 2 years. I am extremely healthy, on medication, maintain an Undetectable Viral Load, and have a high CD4 count. HIV is a part of me, but it does not define me. If you are willing to be open and accepting of this, or are interested in learning more about it, please message me. If you would like to read my story, just google "No Going Back. There Is Only Forward".
So... what have the reactions been? Overall, I think I have received fewer messages (although I don't know for sure). The messages that I have received are the typical short/vague "Hi, hello, you are cute, i like your profile" type things and NONE of them have mentioned HIV... making it unclear as to whether or not they actually read my profile.
So has my decision to openly expose my secret been detrimental or beneficial? So far, the jury is still out... it has not made a difference either way...
Update: 10/21/13
I have been messaging with a guy that has definitely read all of my profile. We have discussed my time in Africa briefly, although not the HIV specifically. Apparently he seems to be okay with it if he contacted me and is taking the time to talk with me though.
Another guy was apparently upset by my not responding to him and he told me that I need to get more serious and make it obvious I am looking for a man "especially because of my situation", and there are many good men who will care less about what I got and more about how good a person you are- if I am real and straight and not playing games.
I don't think I'll be responding, as I don't really need/want to hear anything involving "especially because of your situation".
A third guy sent me a message letting me know that he read my profile and has the utmost respect for me and would be honored to get to know me.
***Interesting side note: All of the above men are black, and at least two of them are from Africa or have parents/family from Africa.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
A Difficult Goodbye
I know that I posted back in August that I stopped dating my kickball guy. In reality, the "friendship" continued on long after that, in an up and down, back and forth sort of way. No matter how much I tried to control my emotions and not get too attached to something that I knew was not defined or committed, I of course was not always strong enough to do so. I valued our friendship and time together too much, so I tried to stick around and wait it out, trying to see if things would somehow eventually work out. Earlier this week, I finally decided that enough was enough. I admitted to myself that to remain in the pattern we were in would just lead to more insanity and heartbreak. I had to force myself to let it go. It was hard and it was painful, but I forced myself to say goodbye to him and our friendship. I've had some rough days since then, but I just need to stick to it, and I'm sure it will get easier with time.
Friday, September 20, 2013
If I wanna have a baby...
I am 27 years old. The majority of my friends are getting married and having babies by now...some are even on #3 or 4. I admit that I have a bit of baby fever going on. It is no secret nor anything I'm trying to hide. I really thought I would have had a couple already by this point in my life.
Anyways... on this topic of having babies... I would like to share with you part of a recent e-mail I received. After my (unfulfilling) doctor's appointment a couple months ago, I reached out to a Pediatric HIV Nurse friend to get some better answers about the specific risks and processes involved in a HIV pregnancy. This information comes from a nurse practitioner who follows the children in the clinic who either have HIV or have been exposed to HIV either through childbirth, sexual assault, needle stick injury or some other potential exposure. She follows all of the babies in a 17 county radius who have been exposed in utero to HIV.
"I have researched for the latest data to give you and I find that according to the CDC as recently as 5/2013, they state that as long as a woman knows of her HIV status either prior to the pregnancy or early on in the pregnancy, receives appropriate health care (especially prenatal care), get their viral loads to undetectable and avoids breastfeeding, the rate of transmission is less than 1%. From 2007-2009 the rate of babies diagnosed with HIV went from 0.8% to 0.1% in Caucasian women. The rates for Hispanic and African/American babies is a bit higher. Some of the reasons given for increasing the risk of transmission were lack of appropriate prenatal care, lack of prenatal HIV testing, lack of prenatal antiretroviral medication, not performing Cesarean delivery for women with a viral load greater than 1,000 copies per mL and not educating women on the avoidance of breastfeeding.
Given the information that you gave to ******, I feel that your risk would be in that less than 1% of transmitting HIV to your baby. I have worked with this population for 12 years now and in my experience I have seen 2 babies become positive from maternal transmission. In one case the mother was absolutely awful with taking her medications and had a very high viral load. This was all despite aggressive education and concern by numerous different staff members from the OB service, our service and mom's care providers. In the other, I suspect that was the case as well, but I don't have specifics as the child was adopted from the hospital. I do know that this mother was a drug user and the child had drugs in her system at birth. Because the biological mother never came to see me, I could never get permission to get her records so I had very little information on her actual medical care and all that I have I have needed to piece together from bits and pieces that I have gotten over the last couple of years, but from what I can tell she probably did not take her medications well, if at all, and I do know she did not seek care until late in her pregnancy.
It is the standard of care for mom's to get ARV's during the pregnancy. The official recommendation is that the woman should have a regimen that includes Zidovudine in it and I usually recommend that if I am asked, but I have seen many women without Zidovudine and as long as their viral load is low the baby is fine. It is then standard of care that once a woman goes to the hospital she should get an IV started with Zidovudine running from the time she goes in to deliver, until the baby is born. If scheduled for a c-section or induced labor, that is factored in and started about 2 hours prior to the section or the start of induction medications. If the baby decides to take matters into his or her own hands and comes either before the medications can be administered or before the full dose is in, as long as the mom was undetectable and had good prenatal care and did everything correct, I am never concerned about it. After the baby is born, he or she should receive zidovudine for the first 6 weeks of life. That should be started as soon after delivery as possible, but most definitely within 6-8 hours of birth. If the mom's viral load is high or if we do not have that information because mom was a late care seeker, etc, we also give another medication called Nevirapine. That is given 3 times within the first week of life and shown to help to prevent transmission when there is a high viral load. It has not been shown to be any more effective in babies born to mothers who have undetectable viral loads so we do not give it as an added precaution in babies who do not have that added risk.
The site that I accessed the information from was http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/
I am so thankful for this updated information and statistics. I hope you find them as enlightening and encouraging as I do!
Anyways... on this topic of having babies... I would like to share with you part of a recent e-mail I received. After my (unfulfilling) doctor's appointment a couple months ago, I reached out to a Pediatric HIV Nurse friend to get some better answers about the specific risks and processes involved in a HIV pregnancy. This information comes from a nurse practitioner who follows the children in the clinic who either have HIV or have been exposed to HIV either through childbirth, sexual assault, needle stick injury or some other potential exposure. She follows all of the babies in a 17 county radius who have been exposed in utero to HIV.
"I have researched for the latest data to give you and I find that according to the CDC as recently as 5/2013, they state that as long as a woman knows of her HIV status either prior to the pregnancy or early on in the pregnancy, receives appropriate health care (especially prenatal care), get their viral loads to undetectable and avoids breastfeeding, the rate of transmission is less than 1%. From 2007-2009 the rate of babies diagnosed with HIV went from 0.8% to 0.1% in Caucasian women. The rates for Hispanic and African/American babies is a bit higher. Some of the reasons given for increasing the risk of transmission were lack of appropriate prenatal care, lack of prenatal HIV testing, lack of prenatal antiretroviral medication, not performing Cesarean delivery for women with a viral load greater than 1,000 copies per mL and not educating women on the avoidance of breastfeeding.
Given the information that you gave to ******, I feel that your risk would be in that less than 1% of transmitting HIV to your baby. I have worked with this population for 12 years now and in my experience I have seen 2 babies become positive from maternal transmission. In one case the mother was absolutely awful with taking her medications and had a very high viral load. This was all despite aggressive education and concern by numerous different staff members from the OB service, our service and mom's care providers. In the other, I suspect that was the case as well, but I don't have specifics as the child was adopted from the hospital. I do know that this mother was a drug user and the child had drugs in her system at birth. Because the biological mother never came to see me, I could never get permission to get her records so I had very little information on her actual medical care and all that I have I have needed to piece together from bits and pieces that I have gotten over the last couple of years, but from what I can tell she probably did not take her medications well, if at all, and I do know she did not seek care until late in her pregnancy.
It is the standard of care for mom's to get ARV's during the pregnancy. The official recommendation is that the woman should have a regimen that includes Zidovudine in it and I usually recommend that if I am asked, but I have seen many women without Zidovudine and as long as their viral load is low the baby is fine. It is then standard of care that once a woman goes to the hospital she should get an IV started with Zidovudine running from the time she goes in to deliver, until the baby is born. If scheduled for a c-section or induced labor, that is factored in and started about 2 hours prior to the section or the start of induction medications. If the baby decides to take matters into his or her own hands and comes either before the medications can be administered or before the full dose is in, as long as the mom was undetectable and had good prenatal care and did everything correct, I am never concerned about it. After the baby is born, he or she should receive zidovudine for the first 6 weeks of life. That should be started as soon after delivery as possible, but most definitely within 6-8 hours of birth. If the mom's viral load is high or if we do not have that information because mom was a late care seeker, etc, we also give another medication called Nevirapine. That is given 3 times within the first week of life and shown to help to prevent transmission when there is a high viral load. It has not been shown to be any more effective in babies born to mothers who have undetectable viral loads so we do not give it as an added precaution in babies who do not have that added risk.
The site that I accessed the information from was http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/
I am so thankful for this updated information and statistics. I hope you find them as enlightening and encouraging as I do!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
HIV Romance Novel: Hot Mess
A few months ago, I mentioned that I was reading and providing feedback to an author for the novel she was writing. I am happy to announce that this novel "Hot Mess" by Anne Conley has been published!
I am so happy and honored to have had the pleasure to read the novel and provide feedback to Anne during her writing process. The story features a HIV+ main character, Rachel, and allows you to share in her journey as she steps back into the dating scene for the first time since her diagnosis.
I should have posted this quite a while back, please check out the book!
http://amzn.to/1aXs2nE
I am so happy and honored to have had the pleasure to read the novel and provide feedback to Anne during her writing process. The story features a HIV+ main character, Rachel, and allows you to share in her journey as she steps back into the dating scene for the first time since her diagnosis.
I should have posted this quite a while back, please check out the book!
http://amzn.to/1aXs2nE
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Let Me Rephrase My Doctor Visit
After a conversation with my mom, I realized that my previous posting about my doctor's visit may have come out more negatively than I intended. So, I want to try to clear some things up... because if my mom misunderstood what I was trying to say, then I know some other people probably did too...
The doctor was super duper extremely positive and optimistic about the outlook for me and a partner in a serodiscordant relationship. To give the clearest picture of what was discussed, here is an outline of some of the ideas she presented:
However, even though all of these were great general ideas presented... what we actually wanted (and did not receive) was the research and exact numbers behind all of these general ideas/statements/opinions. I know that for some of our questions, an actual specific number may not exist. But I also know that there are numbers for some of the other questions, and this doctor just wasn't as up on her information as she could have been.
Long story short... I was happy for the information the doctor provided. I don't doubt the validity of most of it. But, we were hoping for additional factual and statistical evidence to help settle our fears/concerns.
The doctor was super duper extremely positive and optimistic about the outlook for me and a partner in a serodiscordant relationship. To give the clearest picture of what was discussed, here is an outline of some of the ideas she presented:
- With continued medication and Undetectable Viral Load, I have the same life expectancy as any other normal person. There is no reason to expect my Viral Load or health to change or diminish over time as long as I continue to take my meds regularly. As I age, I will have no more/greater health concerns than the average person. The only difference between me and any person sitting next to me is that I take a pill each night.
- HIV is a very hard virus to catch- it is not as contagious or easily transmitted as other viruses (Hepatitis, etc.). Even with direct blood to blood contact, the percentages of transmission are very low.
- With an Undetectable Viral Load it would be very difficult for me to pass it on. I am not really all that contagious since I have very little HIV in me to begin with.
- Female to Male transmission is much less likely than Male to Female transmission. Semen contains a much higher viral load than vaginal fluids. Vaginal fluids typically contain very low amounts of HIV.
- It would be highly unlikely to pass it through activities such as digital or oral sex on either partner. Take more caution if fingers, genitals, or mouth has open cuts or sores.
- If we were to want to have babies, we could either try the low-risk traditional way, or no-risk alternative methods (turkey baster, inside out condom, etc.). Either way, it should not be a big deal. Many couples have sex with condoms normally, but risk having sex without condoms just when they are trying to get pregnant. PrEP could be helpful during this time.
- If I get pregnant, I should stay on my medications throughout the pregnancy and all should be fine. There is a less than 1-2% risk of the baby contracting it. A natural birth or a C-Section are both equally acceptable and safe delivery options.
- As far as a possible recommendation for him to take PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis) as a method of prevention, she does not feel it would be necessary. With the combination of condom use and my Undetectable Viral Load, she again repeated that I am not really very contagious and this really isn't very risky.
However, even though all of these were great general ideas presented... what we actually wanted (and did not receive) was the research and exact numbers behind all of these general ideas/statements/opinions. I know that for some of our questions, an actual specific number may not exist. But I also know that there are numbers for some of the other questions, and this doctor just wasn't as up on her information as she could have been.
Long story short... I was happy for the information the doctor provided. I don't doubt the validity of most of it. But, we were hoping for additional factual and statistical evidence to help settle our fears/concerns.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Good News & Bad News & My New Plan
We will start with the good news...
I had a doctor's appointment on Friday and got back my latest lab results. Viral Load remains Undetectable, my CD4 count is 821, and CD4% is 37%. I am very happy with these results :-)
My guy also came to the appointment with me. We had some questions that we wanted to ask the doctor, so that we could make sure we were the most educated as possible about risks, safety, etc.
Unfortunately neither of us was totally satisfied with the doctor's responses. She was extremely optimistic and positive about how very small the risks were, and overall seemed to have the opinion that this should not really be a big deal for us. She was very confident in my stable health, medication, and lab results, and feels it would be highly unlikely for me to transmit to someone else. However, in all of her talking, she really was not able to present the hard statistics, numbers, percentages, research that we were both hoping she would be able to give us (she either didn't have them or she was trying to pull vague numbers from memory). In short, she just really didn't sound like the most educated and up to date HIV doctor- I felt like we were more up to date on current research studies than she was.
So, here comes the bad news...
I am no longer dating my guy. He called on Saturday morning to end it. He gave me two reasons:
(1) not totally comfortable with the HIV
(2) my seeming loss of self-confidence the past couple weeks (and he found my confidence in the beginning to be one of my most attractive features- therefore when I have not been so confident, it has not been so attractive)
I am of course very disappointed in this turn out. With regards to HIV, I have felt so completely shocked, surprised, amazed, and just blessed that he accepted it and me from the moment he first found out. He has been so open to it the whole time. It is really hard now to know that, after further deep consideration and time, he is no longer so comfortable with it. It is hard to know that the doctor gave him such optimistic and positive responses, but in the end it was not convincing enough. It is hard to accept that this is probably not the last time I am going to have to go through this situation and rejection. I am not angry or upset at him for this. I understand how hard and scary it must be. It just sucks. I was hoping and praying for more.
As for the loss of confidence in myself recently, I admit to being uncomfortable and less confident the past 1.5 weeks. You see, we have been having a little commitment issue/discussion lately. Basically, we have been dating for a little over 2 months, and I'm tired of "dating", I'm ready for it to be a "relationship". And he was not ready for that. We discussed it in depth and both expressed our feelings on it, but the conversation still kind of ended in an "agree to disagree" kind of way. However, I did try to explain to him that it was probably going to be difficult for me to continue on as is without pulling away a bit or starting to put walls up, because I feel like I'm putting myself into it and making myself more vulnerable than he is. Anyways, we attempted to just keep on going as normal, but obviously that didn't happen. Obviously, I didn't feel as confident in what we had, and as a result started to lose some confidence in myself. I really don't feel like it should be that surprising... when a girl really likes a guy, but he doesn't want to commit to a relationship with her... I think many women would naturally either lose confidence or lose interest or a combination of both.
Well, so that's that. I'm back to ground zero.
Ironically, I got a text Saturday evening from my HIV+ friend in the area, and he needed to talk to someone. He had just disclosed to a girl and she did not take it well. This is his 3rd straight disclosure that has not turned out well. Please, as you think of me in my situation and pray for me, please pray for him as well. This is a hard life we are living.
As I was on a 2 hour drive this morning, I was reflecting on my situation... and I came up with a plan. It may be kind of a crazy one, but I am going to risk it anyways. Because, as I thought about it and planned it out in my head, I felt my confidence coming back. I've decided that I am tired of still hiding from select groups of people (i.e. my kickball team, dating world, school). Why put myself under the stress of hiding, keeping secrets, and obsessing over disclosures? So, here is my plan:
(1) As of today, I am accepting friend requests from kickball players and whatever they happen to find on my Facebook linking to this blog is okay with me.If they don't want to be my friend after finding out, oh well.
(2) I am re-writing my profile on the regular dating site and I am going to include my HIV status. I have seen gay men do this, but have never seen a straight person openly do this. It may be a huge risk, but I'm going to go for it. Maybe I'll get 0 messages, or maybe I will get the RIGHT ONE.
(3) I am not going to announce myself to the school. However, I am going to tell my one co-worker who is also a kickball player, and therefore I knowingly open myself up to the risk of gossip being spread to others at the school. If the school or someone else doesn't like it, then we will just have to see what happens.
Thank you ***** for giving me my power (confidence) back!
I had a doctor's appointment on Friday and got back my latest lab results. Viral Load remains Undetectable, my CD4 count is 821, and CD4% is 37%. I am very happy with these results :-)
My guy also came to the appointment with me. We had some questions that we wanted to ask the doctor, so that we could make sure we were the most educated as possible about risks, safety, etc.
Unfortunately neither of us was totally satisfied with the doctor's responses. She was extremely optimistic and positive about how very small the risks were, and overall seemed to have the opinion that this should not really be a big deal for us. She was very confident in my stable health, medication, and lab results, and feels it would be highly unlikely for me to transmit to someone else. However, in all of her talking, she really was not able to present the hard statistics, numbers, percentages, research that we were both hoping she would be able to give us (she either didn't have them or she was trying to pull vague numbers from memory). In short, she just really didn't sound like the most educated and up to date HIV doctor- I felt like we were more up to date on current research studies than she was.
So, here comes the bad news...
I am no longer dating my guy. He called on Saturday morning to end it. He gave me two reasons:
(1) not totally comfortable with the HIV
(2) my seeming loss of self-confidence the past couple weeks (and he found my confidence in the beginning to be one of my most attractive features- therefore when I have not been so confident, it has not been so attractive)
I am of course very disappointed in this turn out. With regards to HIV, I have felt so completely shocked, surprised, amazed, and just blessed that he accepted it and me from the moment he first found out. He has been so open to it the whole time. It is really hard now to know that, after further deep consideration and time, he is no longer so comfortable with it. It is hard to know that the doctor gave him such optimistic and positive responses, but in the end it was not convincing enough. It is hard to accept that this is probably not the last time I am going to have to go through this situation and rejection. I am not angry or upset at him for this. I understand how hard and scary it must be. It just sucks. I was hoping and praying for more.
As for the loss of confidence in myself recently, I admit to being uncomfortable and less confident the past 1.5 weeks. You see, we have been having a little commitment issue/discussion lately. Basically, we have been dating for a little over 2 months, and I'm tired of "dating", I'm ready for it to be a "relationship". And he was not ready for that. We discussed it in depth and both expressed our feelings on it, but the conversation still kind of ended in an "agree to disagree" kind of way. However, I did try to explain to him that it was probably going to be difficult for me to continue on as is without pulling away a bit or starting to put walls up, because I feel like I'm putting myself into it and making myself more vulnerable than he is. Anyways, we attempted to just keep on going as normal, but obviously that didn't happen. Obviously, I didn't feel as confident in what we had, and as a result started to lose some confidence in myself. I really don't feel like it should be that surprising... when a girl really likes a guy, but he doesn't want to commit to a relationship with her... I think many women would naturally either lose confidence or lose interest or a combination of both.
Well, so that's that. I'm back to ground zero.
Ironically, I got a text Saturday evening from my HIV+ friend in the area, and he needed to talk to someone. He had just disclosed to a girl and she did not take it well. This is his 3rd straight disclosure that has not turned out well. Please, as you think of me in my situation and pray for me, please pray for him as well. This is a hard life we are living.
As I was on a 2 hour drive this morning, I was reflecting on my situation... and I came up with a plan. It may be kind of a crazy one, but I am going to risk it anyways. Because, as I thought about it and planned it out in my head, I felt my confidence coming back. I've decided that I am tired of still hiding from select groups of people (i.e. my kickball team, dating world, school). Why put myself under the stress of hiding, keeping secrets, and obsessing over disclosures? So, here is my plan:
(1) As of today, I am accepting friend requests from kickball players and whatever they happen to find on my Facebook linking to this blog is okay with me.If they don't want to be my friend after finding out, oh well.
(2) I am re-writing my profile on the regular dating site and I am going to include my HIV status. I have seen gay men do this, but have never seen a straight person openly do this. It may be a huge risk, but I'm going to go for it. Maybe I'll get 0 messages, or maybe I will get the RIGHT ONE.
(3) I am not going to announce myself to the school. However, I am going to tell my one co-worker who is also a kickball player, and therefore I knowingly open myself up to the risk of gossip being spread to others at the school. If the school or someone else doesn't like it, then we will just have to see what happens.
Thank you ***** for giving me my power (confidence) back!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
More on Dating with HIV
Time has been flying by lately. I guess that is why people say "time flies when you're having fun". My life has been very busy and very happy this past month.
I am still dating my guy. It has been more than a month since I disclosed "my secret" to him, and he still has not run away. He continues to amaze me with his acceptance and patience. It has not been easy. It is not something that we can talk about once and then forget about. It is an ongoing conversation that comes up daily. New questions come up. New feelings come up. New situations come up that we hadn't thought about before. It is all new... for both of us. We continue to research and talk and learn together. There is no guidebook. There are not always clear cut answers to our questions. The numbers and risks are not always specific enough.
Sometimes it is scary. I am scared for me. And I am scared for him. I am scared that we will mess up and take a risk or make a mistake that could put him in harm's way. I am scared that he will decide it is just too complicated and not worth it. I am scared that others will influence his feelings about it.
I thought disclosing would be the hardest part. Now, I'm not totally sure. There is so much more that needs to be addressed and figured out now. I wonder if it will always be like this? Or if, after we get everything figured out initially, we will get more used to it and comfortable with the way things are? Not that we are doing a bad job now... we are actually doing quite a good job I think... but like I said, it is not easy.
I plan on doing a series of posts on various topics specifically relating to serodiscordant (+/-) relationships, so that I can share more with you about some of the challenging situations that may come up. I am already doing research on this stuff, so why not share what I've found with you? I would also like to share how each topic relates specifically to me and my relationship, but will be careful (for his sake) about the personal information I share.
I am still dating my guy. It has been more than a month since I disclosed "my secret" to him, and he still has not run away. He continues to amaze me with his acceptance and patience. It has not been easy. It is not something that we can talk about once and then forget about. It is an ongoing conversation that comes up daily. New questions come up. New feelings come up. New situations come up that we hadn't thought about before. It is all new... for both of us. We continue to research and talk and learn together. There is no guidebook. There are not always clear cut answers to our questions. The numbers and risks are not always specific enough.
Sometimes it is scary. I am scared for me. And I am scared for him. I am scared that we will mess up and take a risk or make a mistake that could put him in harm's way. I am scared that he will decide it is just too complicated and not worth it. I am scared that others will influence his feelings about it.
I thought disclosing would be the hardest part. Now, I'm not totally sure. There is so much more that needs to be addressed and figured out now. I wonder if it will always be like this? Or if, after we get everything figured out initially, we will get more used to it and comfortable with the way things are? Not that we are doing a bad job now... we are actually doing quite a good job I think... but like I said, it is not easy.
I plan on doing a series of posts on various topics specifically relating to serodiscordant (+/-) relationships, so that I can share more with you about some of the challenging situations that may come up. I am already doing research on this stuff, so why not share what I've found with you? I would also like to share how each topic relates specifically to me and my relationship, but will be careful (for his sake) about the personal information I share.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
National HIV Testing Day- Tomorrow, June 27th!
June 27th is National HIV Testing Day. I am urging you, daring you, and pleading with you all to go get tested. No matter who you are, how old you are, what kind of relationships you have or have not had, what risks you have or have not taken, you should get tested. HIV does not discriminate. HIV can affect anyone, anywhere, at any time- no matter your age, race, sexuality, profession, intelligence, etc. If you have had sexual contact of any kind with another human being, you should get tested. Do not live in fear or ignorance. Take a stand for yourself and your life.
Use the link or widget below to find testing sites near you:
http://hivtest.cdc.gov/
Sunday, June 23, 2013
My First Dating Disclosure- Continued
So I went home that night with my nerves calmed and quieted, but definitely not gone. I was relieved that he took the news so well and did not freak out. I even thanked him for not slapping me (I do have a friend that has been slapped when he disclosed his status to a girl). However, I still had no idea where this left us. I had no idea what would come next. Maybe he wouldn't talk or hang out with me again? Maybe we would hang out the next time and he would tell me that he still liked me as a friend, but just wouldn't be able to date me? There was nothing to do but just wait and see.
Somehow, even with all these things in my head, I ended up sleeping great that night. I guess the whole event had just exhausted me- physically, mentally, and emotionally.
As I arrived to work the next morning, I received a good morning text from him and a wish of good luck on my first day of summer school. Alright. Smile on my face. This was a good sign.
Then, as I was driving home from work, I received another text. He was done working for the day, and wanted me to please bring over the HIV information/literature I had collected for him. Wow. Awesome. This was a great sign. I was so pleased that he actually cared enough about it to take the initiative to ask me for the information. He wanted to read it.
So, I raced home, grabbed the folder I had prepared, looked through it one last time, wondering if there was anything else I should add in there. This was a big deal. This could make it or break it. I had to give him some good stuff to start with. (What did I include? NY State 100 HIV Questions and Answers booklet; various Fact Sheets from Aidsinfo.net; a power point presentation on HIV Basics from a conference I attended; recent study results on Undetectable Viral Loads and Serodiscordant couples; and about 5 key posts printed out from my blog)
I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at his house. I was ready to just drop the stuff off and leave, but again, things went better than that. I went inside and we sat down on the couch and started talking- but not about HIV. It was just like normal, except for the folder sitting on the couch between us. Eventually he asked me what I brought for him. I flipped through the folder and just quickly showed what each thing was. He seemed excited about it and put the folder in his room to look at and read later. Then we sat there and continued talking, this time moving into topics about HIV. I was able to explain a bit more of the factual kind of information. I talked more in depth about my medicine and my numbers and what exactly undetectable meant. He asked a few questions of his own and asked for clarification on a couple things that I had mentioned. It turned out to be a great talk. I didn't have to cry during this talk, I had gotten that out of the way the night before. Now I was free to just be me and share what I knew.
I received a text later that night saying he had read my blog printouts and he was very impressed. I continued to smile.
This all happened a week ago. And we have been hanging out almost every day since then. We have been able to talk openly about it, share our feelings, and discuss various questions/concerns. There have definitely been some awkward moments, but we are both able to admit that this is new to us and we are doing the best we can. It is going to be a continual learning and growing process, for the both of us. I continue to be in awe of his openness, patience, and understanding.
Somehow, even with all these things in my head, I ended up sleeping great that night. I guess the whole event had just exhausted me- physically, mentally, and emotionally.
As I arrived to work the next morning, I received a good morning text from him and a wish of good luck on my first day of summer school. Alright. Smile on my face. This was a good sign.
Then, as I was driving home from work, I received another text. He was done working for the day, and wanted me to please bring over the HIV information/literature I had collected for him. Wow. Awesome. This was a great sign. I was so pleased that he actually cared enough about it to take the initiative to ask me for the information. He wanted to read it.
So, I raced home, grabbed the folder I had prepared, looked through it one last time, wondering if there was anything else I should add in there. This was a big deal. This could make it or break it. I had to give him some good stuff to start with. (What did I include? NY State 100 HIV Questions and Answers booklet; various Fact Sheets from Aidsinfo.net; a power point presentation on HIV Basics from a conference I attended; recent study results on Undetectable Viral Loads and Serodiscordant couples; and about 5 key posts printed out from my blog)
I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at his house. I was ready to just drop the stuff off and leave, but again, things went better than that. I went inside and we sat down on the couch and started talking- but not about HIV. It was just like normal, except for the folder sitting on the couch between us. Eventually he asked me what I brought for him. I flipped through the folder and just quickly showed what each thing was. He seemed excited about it and put the folder in his room to look at and read later. Then we sat there and continued talking, this time moving into topics about HIV. I was able to explain a bit more of the factual kind of information. I talked more in depth about my medicine and my numbers and what exactly undetectable meant. He asked a few questions of his own and asked for clarification on a couple things that I had mentioned. It turned out to be a great talk. I didn't have to cry during this talk, I had gotten that out of the way the night before. Now I was free to just be me and share what I knew.
I received a text later that night saying he had read my blog printouts and he was very impressed. I continued to smile.
This all happened a week ago. And we have been hanging out almost every day since then. We have been able to talk openly about it, share our feelings, and discuss various questions/concerns. There have definitely been some awkward moments, but we are both able to admit that this is new to us and we are doing the best we can. It is going to be a continual learning and growing process, for the both of us. I continue to be in awe of his openness, patience, and understanding.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
My First Dating Disclosure
I did it!
And I survived.
And he survived.
And it went better than I could have or would have ever anticipated.
So, for all of my planning and preparation and obsession, it finally kind of happened on accident. Well, not on accident, but not as planned either. It turns out that I'm just a little bit too transparent and not at all good at keeping secrets (I know, you all are completely shocked, right?!?!?).
We were of course watching the basketball game at his place. He had just gotten back from a weekend out of town, so we had not seen each other for a few days. We were just laying on the couch catching up and talking about various things. We were having some really good conversation, touching here and there on some more serious topics, taking some risks and sharing things that might not just come up in daily conversations. There was a level of comfort and trust developing there between us and it felt good.
There were a couple of points where I had to avoid a complete answer, promising to give him a better answer "some other night". One of the moments had to do with my ex, because I had mentioned that we were remaining good friends and that there was a "significant reason" for us to remain friends. We had also already had a previous conversation where I could not tell him where/how my ex and I had met, or why we were together (being that my ex and I don't seem like a likely match). This all added up to seem a bit suspicious to him, and he decided that I must have some kind of important secret. He teased me for a minute about my secret, and I kept saying that I would tell him, but not tonight. He asked me if I had a kid that he didn't know about. I laughed and said no. He decided to give up and drop the "secret"... at least for awhile.
Later in our talking, I happened to share that I had a fear of ending up alone. And that made no sense to him, because I was an attractive, intelligent, fun woman, why would I end up alone?!?!? Thus he was reminded of the "secret" again and he figured that it must play a role in this fear of ending up alone.
A couple of minutes later he said he had a question for me, but that I may not like it. He got really nervous and embarrassed and wasn't able to ask it right away.
I asked him "Is your question related to my secret?"
He said "I don't know. It might be or it might not".
Then I asked "Is your question related to sex?"
He said "Yes."
I started panicking inside. I knew what the question was going to be. And I figured that he probably had a good idea of what the answer was going to be. I took a deep breath, snuggled deeper into his chest, and braced myself for what was coming next. I told him to ask his question.
"Do you have any STDs?"
"Yes. And yes that relates to my secret." Breathe. There. It's done. It's started. No going back. There is only forward now. Breathe.
The next couple minutes were hard. I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. We just laid there. The secret was out, but there was so much more to tell. The basketball game was just in the beginning of the 4th quarter. I told him that I was going to talk, but we should wait until the game was over so there would be no distractions. But time was going painfully slow, and it was just too weird, so we eventually decided to talk anyways with the game still on. I told him I had never done this before. I asked him if he was ready.
Then I told him my story, beginning with falling sick in my village, the hospitals and tests, medical evacuation, and then being diagnosed with HIV. I told him about my current health, my numbers, and my medication. I told him about my blog and other advocacy activities I've been involved in. I told him how I met my ex at an HIV conference. I told him he wasn't at any risk from kissing me. I eventually back tracked and told him the story of how I had contracted it in the first place. I told him I had information and literature for him to read, but it was at home, because I hadn't planned for this conversation to happen tonight.
His reaction? It was more of a non-reaction. He didn't really have any questions. He didn't really say much of anything, other than he wasn't completely surprised, as he had started sensing and thinking something along these lines. He said I had made enough references over time to some sort of a secret, that he knew something was going on. He said he would be happy to read whatever information I had for him. He continued to lay there and hold me and hug me and comfort me when I would start to cry a little bit again.
I started to go numb. He was being so nice and comforting. He wasn't freaking out. But the only thing going through my mind was this other blog I had read where the girl was talking about how after she disclosed, the guys would be all nice and comforting and hug her that night, but then never talk to her again after that. So here we are laying there, and he's holding me, and I'm thinking "This is too familiar. He's just being nice. But this is it. I might as well say goodbye now."
So I got up to say goodbye and leave. And then the most amazing thing happened. He pulled me back down on the couch with him so that he could kiss me. And not just a peck. It was a real kiss, and it felt like he meant it.
To be continued...
And I survived.
And he survived.
And it went better than I could have or would have ever anticipated.
So, for all of my planning and preparation and obsession, it finally kind of happened on accident. Well, not on accident, but not as planned either. It turns out that I'm just a little bit too transparent and not at all good at keeping secrets (I know, you all are completely shocked, right?!?!?).
We were of course watching the basketball game at his place. He had just gotten back from a weekend out of town, so we had not seen each other for a few days. We were just laying on the couch catching up and talking about various things. We were having some really good conversation, touching here and there on some more serious topics, taking some risks and sharing things that might not just come up in daily conversations. There was a level of comfort and trust developing there between us and it felt good.
There were a couple of points where I had to avoid a complete answer, promising to give him a better answer "some other night". One of the moments had to do with my ex, because I had mentioned that we were remaining good friends and that there was a "significant reason" for us to remain friends. We had also already had a previous conversation where I could not tell him where/how my ex and I had met, or why we were together (being that my ex and I don't seem like a likely match). This all added up to seem a bit suspicious to him, and he decided that I must have some kind of important secret. He teased me for a minute about my secret, and I kept saying that I would tell him, but not tonight. He asked me if I had a kid that he didn't know about. I laughed and said no. He decided to give up and drop the "secret"... at least for awhile.
Later in our talking, I happened to share that I had a fear of ending up alone. And that made no sense to him, because I was an attractive, intelligent, fun woman, why would I end up alone?!?!? Thus he was reminded of the "secret" again and he figured that it must play a role in this fear of ending up alone.
A couple of minutes later he said he had a question for me, but that I may not like it. He got really nervous and embarrassed and wasn't able to ask it right away.
I asked him "Is your question related to my secret?"
He said "I don't know. It might be or it might not".
Then I asked "Is your question related to sex?"
He said "Yes."
I started panicking inside. I knew what the question was going to be. And I figured that he probably had a good idea of what the answer was going to be. I took a deep breath, snuggled deeper into his chest, and braced myself for what was coming next. I told him to ask his question.
"Do you have any STDs?"
"Yes. And yes that relates to my secret." Breathe. There. It's done. It's started. No going back. There is only forward now. Breathe.
The next couple minutes were hard. I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. We just laid there. The secret was out, but there was so much more to tell. The basketball game was just in the beginning of the 4th quarter. I told him that I was going to talk, but we should wait until the game was over so there would be no distractions. But time was going painfully slow, and it was just too weird, so we eventually decided to talk anyways with the game still on. I told him I had never done this before. I asked him if he was ready.
Then I told him my story, beginning with falling sick in my village, the hospitals and tests, medical evacuation, and then being diagnosed with HIV. I told him about my current health, my numbers, and my medication. I told him about my blog and other advocacy activities I've been involved in. I told him how I met my ex at an HIV conference. I told him he wasn't at any risk from kissing me. I eventually back tracked and told him the story of how I had contracted it in the first place. I told him I had information and literature for him to read, but it was at home, because I hadn't planned for this conversation to happen tonight.
His reaction? It was more of a non-reaction. He didn't really have any questions. He didn't really say much of anything, other than he wasn't completely surprised, as he had started sensing and thinking something along these lines. He said I had made enough references over time to some sort of a secret, that he knew something was going on. He said he would be happy to read whatever information I had for him. He continued to lay there and hold me and hug me and comfort me when I would start to cry a little bit again.
I started to go numb. He was being so nice and comforting. He wasn't freaking out. But the only thing going through my mind was this other blog I had read where the girl was talking about how after she disclosed, the guys would be all nice and comforting and hug her that night, but then never talk to her again after that. So here we are laying there, and he's holding me, and I'm thinking "This is too familiar. He's just being nice. But this is it. I might as well say goodbye now."
So I got up to say goodbye and leave. And then the most amazing thing happened. He pulled me back down on the couch with him so that he could kiss me. And not just a peck. It was a real kiss, and it felt like he meant it.
To be continued...
Friday, June 14, 2013
A Couple AIDS Jokes
A friend of mine e-mailed me the other day in response to my "Awkward Magic Johnson moment". He proceeded to tell me of one of his own awkward moments recently. In a college class, someone in a role of authority decided to tell a couple jokes...
"How do you give CPR to an AIDS patient?" He started stomping on an imaginary person on the ground with his foot, and blowing in the air from a standing position.
"The AIDS diet is pancakes because they can be slid under a closed door."
This friend of mine said that in response to each joke, "A room full of my friends cheered and applauded. Again riotous laughter from my peers."
I do not share these jokes with you so that you can go out and use them in your own social circles. I share them in order to call attention to some of the mean and hurtful things that can be and are being said. Can you imagine being an HIV+ person sitting in a college class, where the teacher and students (who you expect to be educated and have a little bit of class) are jointly making these kinds of jokes and remarks? Yeah, of course they don't know that you are sitting there and have HIV. They don't know that it may be personally hurtful to you. But that's the point! They don't know! None of us can know for sure who in our company may be HIV+, or may have a family member or close friend who is HIV+ . So, watch what you say! It is just ignorant and in poor taste.
"How do you give CPR to an AIDS patient?" He started stomping on an imaginary person on the ground with his foot, and blowing in the air from a standing position.
"The AIDS diet is pancakes because they can be slid under a closed door."
This friend of mine said that in response to each joke, "A room full of my friends cheered and applauded. Again riotous laughter from my peers."
I do not share these jokes with you so that you can go out and use them in your own social circles. I share them in order to call attention to some of the mean and hurtful things that can be and are being said. Can you imagine being an HIV+ person sitting in a college class, where the teacher and students (who you expect to be educated and have a little bit of class) are jointly making these kinds of jokes and remarks? Yeah, of course they don't know that you are sitting there and have HIV. They don't know that it may be personally hurtful to you. But that's the point! They don't know! None of us can know for sure who in our company may be HIV+, or may have a family member or close friend who is HIV+ . So, watch what you say! It is just ignorant and in poor taste.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Dating Update 2
More dates with the negative guy from Kickball... including more dinners out and in, watching the basketball games, hanging out at the pool, breakfast, and doing an oil painting together (yes seriously).
I'm not sure what else to say. Things are going good. We get along well. Too well. To the point that after an entire day together having breakfast and then hanging out at the pool, I walked into my house and cried. I cried because I'm having such a good time, and because I have absolutely no faith that it is going to last or lead to anything. I cried because I feel like I'm having panic/anxiety attacks the past few days just thinking about telling him. I cried because I'm scared and I don't want to have to deal with this...
P.S. It is my Birthday today. I am 27.
(We celebrated my B-Day on Saturday night by going out dancing!)
I'm not sure what else to say. Things are going good. We get along well. Too well. To the point that after an entire day together having breakfast and then hanging out at the pool, I walked into my house and cried. I cried because I'm having such a good time, and because I have absolutely no faith that it is going to last or lead to anything. I cried because I feel like I'm having panic/anxiety attacks the past few days just thinking about telling him. I cried because I'm scared and I don't want to have to deal with this...
P.S. It is my Birthday today. I am 27.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Awkward...
Just wanted to share an awkward moment with you...
So here I am on a date, relaxing and watching the basketball game last night... and during halftime my date says, "You know who that broadcaster is, right?" (he's kind of messing with me because I don't know all that much about basketball).
So, I'm like, "ummmmm... nope... can't think of anyone. Give me a hint."
So he says, "AIDS."
And I go into an instant state of silent shock and a "Oh ****" in my head.
Taking my silence as ignorance, he says, "Magic Johnson! Come on, you gotta know that!"
AWKWARD...
Learn About Magic Johnson Here
So here I am on a date, relaxing and watching the basketball game last night... and during halftime my date says, "You know who that broadcaster is, right?" (he's kind of messing with me because I don't know all that much about basketball).
So, I'm like, "ummmmm... nope... can't think of anyone. Give me a hint."
So he says, "AIDS."
And I go into an instant state of silent shock and a "Oh ****" in my head.
Taking my silence as ignorance, he says, "Magic Johnson! Come on, you gotta know that!"
AWKWARD...
Learn About Magic Johnson Here
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Dating Update 1
I promised you I would keep you all updated on my "adventures" with dating....
Well, I have gone out on a few dates with a few people in the last couple weeks.
I went on a date with a guy from the HIV dating site. He was a nice guy, and it was nice to hang out with someone without having to worry about any secrets or judgements or anything like that. It was also nice to be able to discuss/compare/share our stories and various feelings and experiences so far with HIV. Right now we are just keeping in contact as friends.
I then went on about 3 dates with a guy from my kickball team (someone I have known for about 5 months now). We had fun going out for dinner, drinks, the beach, and hanging out at my house. We talked a lot and went through all the normal "getting to know you" conversations. I felt uncomfortable a few times as the conversation steered too close to coming back from Africa or how I met/got together with my ex (as those things are both related to the HIV). After hanging out a few times, we decided to just be friends, as there is actually a VERY big age difference between us and we decided it was just too weird.
Most recently, I went on 2 dates with another guy from my kickball team (I've also known him for about 5 months). We had a very eventful 2 dates, including homemade dinner, drinks, yardsaling, canoeing, dinner out, casino, and relaxing watching the basketball game. We have hit it off pretty well so far. Again, there have been some uncomfortable/awkward moments where I feel like I have to tiptoe around things to omit HIV related topics. It is a horrible feeling to be sitting there trying your best to get to know someone and let them get to know you, but the whole time feeling guilty because you are hiding something HUGE. Well, regardless of how guilty I was feeling, we still had a very enjoyable time and we ended up cuddling and kissing....which I am now having mixed feelings about (as I really did not intend to even kiss anybody before I tell them my "secret").
So there you have the details about what has gone on on the outside. Now, for a little more insight to the inside....
As I mentioned, with both of the negative guys, there were multiple times where it felt awkward and uncomfortable, or where I felt I needed to change the direction of the conversation in order to avoid certain topics. They of course want to know all about Peace Corps and Africa (but every time I talk about Africa, all it reminds me of is contracting HIV). They want to know where/how I met my ex (at an HIV conference, but I can't say that). They want to know why I don't accept friend requests on Facebook (because none of my new friends, kickball team, or co-workers know my status and I don't want them to find out). And so on...
So, the whole time I am with them, and when I am at home on my own, my thoughts have overwhelmingly been stuck on how and when I should disclose. I want to wait long enough to make sure that I really like the person and the person really likes me, and that there is an honest intention of the relationship going somewhere. I also want to wait until I know that I can trust the person with the information, regardless of whether they stay with me or not. This is especially complicated because the guys so far are from the kickball team, and I definitely do not want the information to be passed to the whole team, nor to one of my co-workers who is also one the team, which would then give it a chance to be passed on to my workplace. But at the same time, the longer I wait the more guilty and unsettled I feel. I hate hiding things. I hate lying to people. I hate feeling guilty just because I kissed someone before telling them.
I want to know WHEN it is going to be the right time. But I don't think there is a clear answer. I don't feel like it is going to be something I can schedule or plan for in advance. I think I am just going to have to take it day by day and conversation by conversation, and when I suddenly feel like it is right, I will just have to somehow find the guts to go for it.
Stay tuned for more updates...
(getting all dressed up for my friends' wedding last weekend)
Well, I have gone out on a few dates with a few people in the last couple weeks.
I went on a date with a guy from the HIV dating site. He was a nice guy, and it was nice to hang out with someone without having to worry about any secrets or judgements or anything like that. It was also nice to be able to discuss/compare/share our stories and various feelings and experiences so far with HIV. Right now we are just keeping in contact as friends.
I then went on about 3 dates with a guy from my kickball team (someone I have known for about 5 months now). We had fun going out for dinner, drinks, the beach, and hanging out at my house. We talked a lot and went through all the normal "getting to know you" conversations. I felt uncomfortable a few times as the conversation steered too close to coming back from Africa or how I met/got together with my ex (as those things are both related to the HIV). After hanging out a few times, we decided to just be friends, as there is actually a VERY big age difference between us and we decided it was just too weird.
Most recently, I went on 2 dates with another guy from my kickball team (I've also known him for about 5 months). We had a very eventful 2 dates, including homemade dinner, drinks, yardsaling, canoeing, dinner out, casino, and relaxing watching the basketball game. We have hit it off pretty well so far. Again, there have been some uncomfortable/awkward moments where I feel like I have to tiptoe around things to omit HIV related topics. It is a horrible feeling to be sitting there trying your best to get to know someone and let them get to know you, but the whole time feeling guilty because you are hiding something HUGE. Well, regardless of how guilty I was feeling, we still had a very enjoyable time and we ended up cuddling and kissing....which I am now having mixed feelings about (as I really did not intend to even kiss anybody before I tell them my "secret").
So there you have the details about what has gone on on the outside. Now, for a little more insight to the inside....
As I mentioned, with both of the negative guys, there were multiple times where it felt awkward and uncomfortable, or where I felt I needed to change the direction of the conversation in order to avoid certain topics. They of course want to know all about Peace Corps and Africa (but every time I talk about Africa, all it reminds me of is contracting HIV). They want to know where/how I met my ex (at an HIV conference, but I can't say that). They want to know why I don't accept friend requests on Facebook (because none of my new friends, kickball team, or co-workers know my status and I don't want them to find out). And so on...
So, the whole time I am with them, and when I am at home on my own, my thoughts have overwhelmingly been stuck on how and when I should disclose. I want to wait long enough to make sure that I really like the person and the person really likes me, and that there is an honest intention of the relationship going somewhere. I also want to wait until I know that I can trust the person with the information, regardless of whether they stay with me or not. This is especially complicated because the guys so far are from the kickball team, and I definitely do not want the information to be passed to the whole team, nor to one of my co-workers who is also one the team, which would then give it a chance to be passed on to my workplace. But at the same time, the longer I wait the more guilty and unsettled I feel. I hate hiding things. I hate lying to people. I hate feeling guilty just because I kissed someone before telling them.
I want to know WHEN it is going to be the right time. But I don't think there is a clear answer. I don't feel like it is going to be something I can schedule or plan for in advance. I think I am just going to have to take it day by day and conversation by conversation, and when I suddenly feel like it is right, I will just have to somehow find the guts to go for it.
Stay tuned for more updates...
Monday, May 13, 2013
A New Adventure
For those of you that do not know, I have had a boyfriend almost the whole time I have had this blog. We met at an HIV conference that I attended within a month of me returning home with my new diagnosis. I even talked about this conference and new group of friends in my very first posting on this blog (World AIDS Day 2011). And yes, since the conference was for HIV+ people, it is safe for you to assume that he is also HIV+.
Unfortunately we just broke up 2 months ago. Yes, I am okay. We are both okay. We are still friends and will always be a support system for each other. I do not plan to delve more into our personal situation, but I wanted to give this basic information as a prequel to any future posts.
You see, I am now single...and now faced with a whole new open can of potential stresses and dilemmas as I step back into the dating scene for the first time as a HIV+ woman. I know this is an area that people have an interest in and will have questions about. So, I intend to try to keep you up to date on my adventures (I'm calling it that in an effort to keep myself feeling more positive about it, even though I am not).
To give you some foundational information..... I am currently researching in both directions...."poz" people and "negative" people. I have an account on an HIV dating site. And I also have an account on a regular dating site. So far the fishing pool is very limited (and often depressing) on the HIV site. The pool on the regular site is humongous, but terrifying! The fear of rejection is so overwhelming that I can feel myself shutting down and shying away before I even let something begin.
I happen to be reading a romance novel right now featuring an HIV+ woman entering the dating scene and finding love and acceptance from a new (negative) partner....and I'm thinking in my head....yeah, if only it was so easy....
But I guess I won't ever really know until I get some guts and actually try it....
Unfortunately we just broke up 2 months ago. Yes, I am okay. We are both okay. We are still friends and will always be a support system for each other. I do not plan to delve more into our personal situation, but I wanted to give this basic information as a prequel to any future posts.
You see, I am now single...and now faced with a whole new open can of potential stresses and dilemmas as I step back into the dating scene for the first time as a HIV+ woman. I know this is an area that people have an interest in and will have questions about. So, I intend to try to keep you up to date on my adventures (I'm calling it that in an effort to keep myself feeling more positive about it, even though I am not).
To give you some foundational information..... I am currently researching in both directions...."poz" people and "negative" people. I have an account on an HIV dating site. And I also have an account on a regular dating site. So far the fishing pool is very limited (and often depressing) on the HIV site. The pool on the regular site is humongous, but terrifying! The fear of rejection is so overwhelming that I can feel myself shutting down and shying away before I even let something begin.
I happen to be reading a romance novel right now featuring an HIV+ woman entering the dating scene and finding love and acceptance from a new (negative) partner....and I'm thinking in my head....yeah, if only it was so easy....
But I guess I won't ever really know until I get some guts and actually try it....
Friday, May 10, 2013
A Much Needed Update From Long Lost Jessica
People ask me "What's up with your blog? Are you done with it? Do you plan to keep it going?" Here is what I can tell you all:
I have no intention of completely abandoning my blog or readers. I love having the opportunity to share with people in this way. The honest truth is that I am busy living my life, and have naturally moved on a bit from it all. As I've shared my story and life with the world in the past year and a half- I have simultaneously been working through a barrage of thoughts and emotions within myself. Dealing with my HIV status is and always will be an ongoing process. I know that it will never be gone, but I also know that it will not always be in the forefront and focus of my life. I will have ups and downs. I will have times when it is all I can think (and write) about. But there will be times (like the past 6 months) where I've moved on a bit, where my life has developed a steady rhythm of normalcy, and I've almost forgotten that it's there. My life does not always have to be about HIV or being an advocate for HIV. I am still me, and I still have other parts of me.
With all that being said, please know that I am here, and will continue to be here. Know that behind the scenes, I continue to receive e-mails about my blog that I try my best to respond to. I have done my best to assist numerous people with online and school projects and other requests for advice or feedback that I've received.
More to come...I feel an "up" in my HIV writing on its way....
I have no intention of completely abandoning my blog or readers. I love having the opportunity to share with people in this way. The honest truth is that I am busy living my life, and have naturally moved on a bit from it all. As I've shared my story and life with the world in the past year and a half- I have simultaneously been working through a barrage of thoughts and emotions within myself. Dealing with my HIV status is and always will be an ongoing process. I know that it will never be gone, but I also know that it will not always be in the forefront and focus of my life. I will have ups and downs. I will have times when it is all I can think (and write) about. But there will be times (like the past 6 months) where I've moved on a bit, where my life has developed a steady rhythm of normalcy, and I've almost forgotten that it's there. My life does not always have to be about HIV or being an advocate for HIV. I am still me, and I still have other parts of me.
With all that being said, please know that I am here, and will continue to be here. Know that behind the scenes, I continue to receive e-mails about my blog that I try my best to respond to. I have done my best to assist numerous people with online and school projects and other requests for advice or feedback that I've received.
More to come...I feel an "up" in my HIV writing on its way....
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Recent Doctor Visit
I had a recent doctor visit.
My latest lab results were:
CD4- 710
CD4%- 26
VL- Undetectable
The doctor also decided that she considers me to be "very stable" and therefore does not feel the need to see me every 3 months, and is switching me to an every 6 month schedule. Yay!
My latest lab results were:
CD4- 710
CD4%- 26
VL- Undetectable
The doctor also decided that she considers me to be "very stable" and therefore does not feel the need to see me every 3 months, and is switching me to an every 6 month schedule. Yay!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
My Job
Some people have commented and asked me about my job as a teacher and the fact that I am HIV positive. They want to know if my school, students, parents, etc. know of my condition. Here's a little information, and how I feel about the situation....
By law, I am not required to inform my employer of my HIV status. I am also not required to inform the students or families of the students. All school employees are trained in and required to use Universal Precautions to respond to any situation involving blood/bodily fluids. Universal precautions refers to the practice of avoiding contact with patients' bodily fluids, by means of the wearing of nonporous articles such as medical gloves, goggles, and face shields. Under universal precautions all patients are considered to be possible carriers of blood-borne pathogens.
In regards to me and my personal situation....
Who knows?
The school district office is aware of my HIV status, but has the file marked Confidential, and is not available to my school, principal, students, families, or anyone else in the public that would request information about me. I did not plan on giving the district the information to begin with, but ended up kind of being forced to because of my Workers' Comp coverage with Peace Corps and some legality that the school district needed to know about any/all previous Workers' Comp claims. They did not want to process me if I would not provide the information. So I finally gave in and told them, chatted with a supervisor, and got the agreement (and witnessed) that the files were marked Confidential.
No one at my school is aware of my HIV status (to my knowledge). They know that I was in the Peace Corps in Africa, and that I came home early because I got sick. Most people don't ask much more about it. Some do ask what I got sick with, and I play dumb and say "There are so many things over there... parasites, malaria, etc...." and I let their imagination do the work.
There are other teachers, parents, and acquaintances in the school district that I was friends with prior to my HIV and some know about it through being connected to me on Facebook and seeing posts/links there. Others may not know about it if they have not yet stumbled across it on Facebook.
My students are 3-5 years old and have a range of Autism Spectrum Disorders, Developmental Delays, and Language Impairments. They do not know of my status nor would they comprehend anything about it if someone tried to explain it to them.
Do I feel bad for not telling?
Yes and No. I should not feel guilty for not telling, as I am definitely not obligated or required to tell. However, I do acknowledge that people (parents especially) would be very upset if they found out. I acknowledge that in a way, I am lying (through omission) to them. And that sucks. But, I also have to think about myself and my job, which is my livelihood and my passion. And I firmly believe that if people (school, parents, etc.) knew, then my job would quite possibly be in jeopardy. So, I feel forced to protect myself from that situation.
Do I get worried that someone will find out and be upset?
Yes, of course, every day. But, I really can't control that. There are enough people in the area that know, that I am sure it will come up sooner or later. And when it does, I'll deal with it then.
Do I plan on telling at some later point?
Yes, I have thought about it. I even thought about doing it last month for World AIDS Day, and holding some kind of presentation/information session at a Staff meeting. But, I decided it was too soon. I want people (co-workers, students, parents, employers) to really have a chance to get to know and love me as me, not as a disease. I want them to get to know Jessica, and not just have a first impression of HIV and get scared away.
How do I make sure I am safe at school?
It is easy. I do not bleed on my students. I do not have sex with my students. I do not give birth to or breastfeed my students.
Obviously, accidents can happen, and if I were to get injured, I would immediately separate myself from the students and ensure there was no blood exposure. Honestly, I put on a band-aid even when I get a tiny paper cut! If there EVER was any question of possible exposure, I would immediately inform the school administrators and nurse of the situation and possible threat of exposure.
P.S. We change diapers in my classroom, so we always have gloves around anyways! I also carry gloves in my school bag that travels with us around the school grounds.
Hopefully this answers some of your questions. Please feel free to comment and/or ask more questions. I think I'll put a poll up to see how you all feel about it too....
By law, I am not required to inform my employer of my HIV status. I am also not required to inform the students or families of the students. All school employees are trained in and required to use Universal Precautions to respond to any situation involving blood/bodily fluids. Universal precautions refers to the practice of avoiding contact with patients' bodily fluids, by means of the wearing of nonporous articles such as medical gloves, goggles, and face shields. Under universal precautions all patients are considered to be possible carriers of blood-borne pathogens.
In regards to me and my personal situation....
Who knows?
The school district office is aware of my HIV status, but has the file marked Confidential, and is not available to my school, principal, students, families, or anyone else in the public that would request information about me. I did not plan on giving the district the information to begin with, but ended up kind of being forced to because of my Workers' Comp coverage with Peace Corps and some legality that the school district needed to know about any/all previous Workers' Comp claims. They did not want to process me if I would not provide the information. So I finally gave in and told them, chatted with a supervisor, and got the agreement (and witnessed) that the files were marked Confidential.
No one at my school is aware of my HIV status (to my knowledge). They know that I was in the Peace Corps in Africa, and that I came home early because I got sick. Most people don't ask much more about it. Some do ask what I got sick with, and I play dumb and say "There are so many things over there... parasites, malaria, etc...." and I let their imagination do the work.
There are other teachers, parents, and acquaintances in the school district that I was friends with prior to my HIV and some know about it through being connected to me on Facebook and seeing posts/links there. Others may not know about it if they have not yet stumbled across it on Facebook.
My students are 3-5 years old and have a range of Autism Spectrum Disorders, Developmental Delays, and Language Impairments. They do not know of my status nor would they comprehend anything about it if someone tried to explain it to them.
Do I feel bad for not telling?
Yes and No. I should not feel guilty for not telling, as I am definitely not obligated or required to tell. However, I do acknowledge that people (parents especially) would be very upset if they found out. I acknowledge that in a way, I am lying (through omission) to them. And that sucks. But, I also have to think about myself and my job, which is my livelihood and my passion. And I firmly believe that if people (school, parents, etc.) knew, then my job would quite possibly be in jeopardy. So, I feel forced to protect myself from that situation.
Do I get worried that someone will find out and be upset?
Yes, of course, every day. But, I really can't control that. There are enough people in the area that know, that I am sure it will come up sooner or later. And when it does, I'll deal with it then.
Do I plan on telling at some later point?
Yes, I have thought about it. I even thought about doing it last month for World AIDS Day, and holding some kind of presentation/information session at a Staff meeting. But, I decided it was too soon. I want people (co-workers, students, parents, employers) to really have a chance to get to know and love me as me, not as a disease. I want them to get to know Jessica, and not just have a first impression of HIV and get scared away.
How do I make sure I am safe at school?
It is easy. I do not bleed on my students. I do not have sex with my students. I do not give birth to or breastfeed my students.
Obviously, accidents can happen, and if I were to get injured, I would immediately separate myself from the students and ensure there was no blood exposure. Honestly, I put on a band-aid even when I get a tiny paper cut! If there EVER was any question of possible exposure, I would immediately inform the school administrators and nurse of the situation and possible threat of exposure.
P.S. We change diapers in my classroom, so we always have gloves around anyways! I also carry gloves in my school bag that travels with us around the school grounds.
Hopefully this answers some of your questions. Please feel free to comment and/or ask more questions. I think I'll put a poll up to see how you all feel about it too....
New Numbers!
Just wanted to quickly mention my last lab results....
Viral Load- Undetectable
CD4 count- 862
CD4 percent- 37%
Woohoo! These results are awesome!
Viral Load- Undetectable
CD4 count- 862
CD4 percent- 37%
Woohoo! These results are awesome!
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